Out of the forest
check check, is this thing on?
Wow, I have no idea when I last wrote. I’m not sure what is drawing me to check in here now. But here I am.
Gus is 3.5, officially, as of Monday. I sometimes struggle to talk about him because I see people talk about how terrible this age is or how much they struggle and honestly, I love it. Gus is interesting and fun and I love being around him. Now, that doesn’t mean there aren’t challenges – of course there are terrible days – and of course sometimes he is hugely challenging. And, of course, I work full time outside of the home. I might sing a different tune if that wasn’t true.
I feel like time is moving by. I don’t write enough down – what he says and what he is doing. Gus has always lacked body confidence and is starting to get a bit better at that (he’ll go down big slides now!). He loves dresses and shiny things and always wants to listen to “princess music” but has yet to catch on that I am just playing Cyndi Lauper pandora. He has started to connect that his actions affect people and instead of just being kind when I am hurt realizing that him jumping full force onto my body is what hurt me. There are many subtle differences like that that show him growing as a human. I miss the days when developments are a checklist of things to see but enjoy watching the deeper level growth.
As much as I love him and enjoy this age I have really been struggling. I feel like in many ways we are out of the forest – no diapers, a more manageable human, not all time consuming – but I came out on the other side a bit worse for the wear. Most of my close friendships had ended. I wasn’t really sure what I liked to do. And I didn’t know how to rebuild any sense of self.
Some of that came from being a mom and some of that came from being in a long term relationship and living on an island of sorts with no family support. Pre Gus Lesley and I did pretty much everything together. Healthy or not it worked for us. But now it’s not that simple. For one of us to be an adult the other has to parent. I am not a class person and generally don’t like other people. I made a new friend and that helps as it is someone to sometimes hang out with but I miss having a better balance. I know as Gus gets older it will get a bit easier for Lesley and I to be adults together with him in tow but I feel like for the first time in my adult life I am figuring out how to be an adult on my own. It’s weird. It has also made me fully mourn the loss of friendships that while I was sad about I didn’t really have the brain space to adequately mourn. This has been really hard and brought up a lot of weird baggage about self worth. These are things I have struggled with in the past but I thought were long gone until I had to make new friends with the hurt of old friendship loss hanging around. Right as this was happening my insurance changed and no longer covers counseling so that’s totally awesome.
That’s not to say things are bad. They aren’t. We are happy and healthy and all working on being the best people we can be. But I am also finding adulthood a bit challenging and when you couple that with sitting around wondering why you didn’t have good friends when you were 8 – well, that’s not as fun. But hey, I am a lesbian. I was made to be on a constant journey of over analyzing and self-discovery, right? So I will ride this out. I will finally finish mourning the loss of some really important friendships. I will build new ones that are solid and full of love and good communication. I will figure out what I like to do and what makes me feel best. And most importantly, I will keep on loving this little family of mine because they are good stuff.