Monthly Archives: September 2017

When it explodes

If you thought I was going to write a post that flowed well, you were wrong.

I went to see my former counselor yesterday. I saw her years ago and love her and it was comforting to walk into her office and apologetically cry for 45 minutes. She remembered me in a real way – she knew where I used to work which was nice because when she said, “Oh now that I see you I remember you!” I thought, “Yeah, right.”

It’s hard to pinpoint when things got hard. I think they have been for a while but I kept setting deadlines where I thought they would get better and they just didn’t. She said a lot of good stuff that was true and helpful and I know on some level but struggle to listen to. She gave me some homework. I’ll go back next week.

The whole experience leading up to this has got me thinking about how hard motherhood is. How all consuming it is and my great counselor put it best: It’s a black hole. It is work that will never be done. There are few ways you know you are doing a good job and mainly you are just trying to get through the day. There is so much joy and so much struggle and how do you manage that?

One thing that has really stood out to me lately is friendships. I have a group of mom friends that I can never really break into. They have a group of friends and I watch. A few weeks ago I had drinks with one of my friends and she mentioned that she really like this other mom. When I saw the look on her face I realized what mine must of looked like and I had to explain. The other mom is a wonderful person. One of the most wonderful people you will ever meet. But I watched this mom build friendships that I couldn’t when I went back to work. I watched her make friends with people I wanted to be friends with and do all the stuff I wanted to do. I barely know her yet for some reason she represents this major loss in my life. The loss of the mom community.

As Gus gets older I am trying to figure out how to navigate these waters. I want more meaningful connections for me and less superficial friendships. Right now I feel I mainly have the later. I’ve worked on stepping back quite a bit and detaching from the mom friend group and hopefully I can find a way to build connections other places to completely leave. It’s a weird crossroad when your place for social connection is also the place that is making you the most miserable. I suppose that’s a good conversation for the next counseling visit, eh?

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A woman I don’t know

Edie Windsor died yesterday. If you are a lesbian or queer or friends with me on facebook you probably know this. I hope you all know who she is. I am weirdly taking this super hard because I am thinking about all the ways this woman I don’t know changed my life. 

I’ve never been big on marriage yet I am married. We needed the rights that came from it even if we did not need to institution to define our relationship. These days I operate in a mainly straight world and I see how straight people value it’s weight. I use wife in the straight world while usually stick to partner in lesbian land.  I see it’s weight and value there. The other night I was out with a friend and told her a story about earlier in mine and Lesley’s relationship. She asked if we were dating or married at that time. I had no clue where we were at in our three kinds of commitment life and it didn’t occur to her that at the time of the story we had never lived in a state where we could legally get married. 

I see the weight it has for others and the ways it benefits us. Ensuring both of our rights to our child and our health care, mainly. I see how the shift in public support has changed my life.  I see how already straight people have forgotten that these are new rights. 

I think about how life was before Edie fought. I think about how things were 15 years ago when I started coming out. I know she is a symbol of a big change that was long happening but losing her is a profound loss. This woman I don’t know who changed my life. 

Watch this and try not to cry.

Self care.

I joined a gym. This is something I said I would never do and I feel like a trader to myself because of it. I am not a gym person nor do I want to be a gym person.

In all fairness it’s not quite a gym- it’s the YMCA. That feels better but still kind of like a sell out. They have cheap childcare and discounts on swim lessons for the kid and whelp, we are doing it.

I’ve gained weight and eh, that is what it is but I joined a gym because of my mental health. I feel constantly stressed. I can’t focus. I have no energy. These things lead me to believe that I need to change something and maybe increasing my output will help. Gus does swim lessons at the Y two days a week so I will do something one of those days and then hopefully two more. My goal is an hour of physical activity three days a week and to see if it helps mental clarity.

I feel so awkward about this. After joining today we walked around for a minute. There are machines I have no idea how to use (nor do I ever want to really…) and people there and it just feels so overwhelming. This is all so far out of my comfort zone. They do offer you a meeting with a trainer of some sort but that kind of sounds like my hell. So I will pick on thing at a time and try to get comfortable.

So that’s that. And I am telling you, dear corner of the internet, because while I don’t intend to ever be someone who posts gym selfies or other fucking bullshit this is so far outside of my comfort zone and causes me so much anxiety BUT I already have so much anxiety so I am hoping making things uncomfortable for a few weeks makes things better. Here goes nothing. (except not here goes right now. I joined the gym. I have no idea when I will go to said gym.)