It’s sunny and 90 degrees outside. This is dangerous for me.
Nothing makes me want to adult less than summer. I want to drink beers outside and read books in parks and spend money and abandon responsibilities. I want to be young and carefree. This has been hard since having a kid and now as I enter my third summer of parenting I find myself yearning for a bit less structure and a bit more freedom.
I struggle so much to balance me as a person and me as a mom and I am feeling it bad now. Lesley and I met this time of year 11 years ago. All of our early relationship memories and in the sun and on warm nights and involve fireworks and beaches and the joy that comes with long days. I want time together with her. We are lucky in that we are going to visit our parents so will get a few small moments but no where where we can be fully relaxed and our true selves. We talked about going to a concert at the zoo but we would have to take Gus with us which sounds less romantic.
I need more time. I need time to get my work done and get my other responsibilities done and have time to be free. But I am starting to really feel how badly we are struggling without help. I wish we could have some time together. I know how much good it would do for our relationship. And I know we can’t have it.
There are ways that this parenting thing gets so much easier and there are ways where it feels like freedom is so close but you can’t touch it. Last night I crept into Gus’ room to shut the window and looked at his tiny face and missed all of the moments that passed throughout the day where we were not together. Today I wish that I had just a little time to not have that responsibility.