Monthly Archives: June 2017

Endless responsibilities

It’s sunny and 90 degrees outside. This is dangerous for me.

Nothing makes me want to adult less than summer. I want to drink beers outside and read books in parks and spend money and abandon responsibilities. I want to be young and carefree. This has been hard since having a kid and now as I enter my third summer of parenting I find myself yearning for a bit less structure and a bit more freedom.

I struggle so much to balance me as a person and me as a mom and I am feeling it bad now. Lesley and I met this time of year 11 years ago. All of our early relationship memories and in the sun and on warm nights and involve fireworks and beaches and the joy that comes with long days. I want time together with her. We are lucky in that we are going to visit our parents so will get a few small moments but no where where we can be fully relaxed and our true selves. We talked about going to a concert at the zoo but we would have to take Gus with us which sounds less romantic.

I need more time. I need time to get my work done and get my other responsibilities done and have time to be free. But I am starting to really feel how badly we are struggling without help. I wish we could have some time together. I know how much good it would do for our relationship. And I know we can’t have it.

There are ways that this parenting thing gets so much easier and there are ways where it feels like freedom is so close but you can’t touch it. Last night I crept into Gus’ room to shut the window and looked at his tiny face and missed all of the moments that passed throughout the day where we were not together. Today I wish that I had just a little time to not have that responsibility.

Parenting, amirite?

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Ten things on a Tuesday afternoon.

I’m giving you a ten things post because I feel like I have a lot to say and nothing to say all at once. I also feel a bit disconnected from the blogging world and want to write more. Here you go:

1) I really should be working right now. I don’t know how to switch my motivation switch on but I need to figure it out. I struggle with this all the time but it is getting a bit absurd. I need to figure out some sort of system to keep me focused.

2) My MIL sold her house. When asked what she plans to do next she joked that she would come live in a tiny house in our yard. That is not happening. She will not live with us. I don’t feel the need to discuss how much that is not happening because it is so much not happening. But she might move closer which means we would have family closer than 3,000 miles. That’s complicated but also nice.

3) Gus is getting his last tooth. He has also been a major pain the last few days so hopefully those two are connected.

4) We went camping and on a 5 mile hike this weekend. Toddler’s can’t hike five miles – in case you did not know.

5) I bought myself new rainbow chaco sandals that should arrive today. I’m not sure I have ever been so excited about anything.

6) Gus is pretty cool. He knows things and has some great reasoning skills. Last night we took the dog on a walk and Gus wanted to bring something to carry. This is normal. It is normally a hockey stick, golf club, or baseball mitt. We shot all those down. The next hope was his stuffed fox. Lesley told him the walk was for our bodies only. He claimed that fox had a body. Lesley corrected him and said human and dog bodies only. He excitedly yelled, “Okay!” and ran to his room and grabbed his stuffed dog. He won.

7) His imagination is off the charts lately. He has decided he is a bunny. He puts on pretend hockey equipment and pretends to skate. On walks he pretends throws balls. It’s all sweet and strange and makes everything take forever.

8) I am taking him to the big city pride parade on Sunday. Lesley can’t go and gets the whole day at home alone. (She has a work thing that afternoon.) I am jealous.

9) I am going out of town for a two night/three day conference in October. I am both excited and sad.

10) I joined a Step Bet through my fitbit. It is a different app but everyone pays in $40 and you have to get a certain number of steps to get your $40 back. If anyone doesn’t make it their money is split between those who do. I’m determined to make it but it means last night I paced around our house while watching OITNB.

Kid pictures? Kid pictures.

Changing his dogga’s diaper on our walk. 

Watching mama play softball. 

He’s the best.