Last night we had a new friend over for dinner. She is someone I met who is young (22) and a lesbian and that’s a bit all I need to know because I want nothing more than to be the old lesbians who have the house young lesbians hang out at. It’s pretty much my top life goal.
She was nice and it was the amount of awkward you’d expect. She nanny’s a 2.5 year old boy so wasn’t shocked by Gus’ antics at dinner and we enjoyed a few beers while Lesley put Gus to bed. It was there that it got more awkward.
As we were talking she mentioned wanting to have a baby. She wanted to have one soon because she is working to be a professional musician and the way that works it would make more sense for her to have a baby at a young age. She talked about what that would be like for her and how she really just wanted a girl so would likely have an abortion if she found out the fetus was a boy. She really wanted a donor who was a person of color but now that she will only have a girl she is rethinking that because she really just did not, under any circumstance, want a white boy.
These are the things she casually told me while my white son was feet away.
It was shocking and on the other hand not. I was a young lesbian feminist with a shaved head once too. I am sure that I said things along those lines at 22. I hope to whatever higher power might exist that I did not say them to parents but honestly, I might have. I replied by telling her that yes, it is complex. That I worry about raising a good man but I believe good men exist so I have faith that I can raise one. I told her that I came to peace with the fact that I thought two lesbians raising a boy was important work. I told her that boy vs. girl you have struggles either way – you worry about your child being a rapist or getting raped. Nothing about raising a child is easy.
This young woman was so young and so misguided. She also told me how the boy she nanny’s must be developmentally delayed because he is 2.5 and not yet potty trained. How he still nurses and that’s what is holding him back. Whole lot of NOPE NOPE NOPE on both of those. She’s so young. We were all better parents before we were parents.
In the end she is welcome back at my house. She doesn’t mean harm. But she does serve as a great reminder about why we waited so long to become parents. What being “ready” really looks like and how fortunate we were to have that time. There is so much about parenting and loving this boy that I would have never enjoyed at 22 – here’s hoping she waits until she can get the same joy out of her experience.