Monthly Archives: February 2017


A woman who lives in a town near mine recently lost her husband and young son to a tragic accident. I won’t say much more than that because it’s the kind of stuff that keeps you up at night. Every now and then the story comes up in the news and I look at her facebook page and see what a mother’s heartbreak looks like. I did this today and now I feel frozen and just want to go hug my baby instead of stare at my computer screen.

This combines with another conversation we’ve been having over the last couple of days. I think my kid is overall easy. I’m not saying there are not difficult moments but I feel like we can manage and make it work. We are talking a parenting class/group for two year olds and I find that I don’t have a lot in common with other parents when it comes to their frustrations. I don’t get that frustrated with Gus. Some of this is because I think my expectations are realistic and some of it is because I don’t overthink it in the moment. I overthink it plenty overall – when we have an issue I read and study and talk to folks but then we just make a decision and do that. Other folks are coming week after week not knowing what to do and I just don’t feel that way.

That sounds smug and I don’t really mean it to but I feel like we all mesh well together and beyond that, I love being Gus’ mom. I’m not saying I loved it last night when him and I went to pick up take out and he tried to eat a nickle and hide under a table but overall. A friend of mine said years ago that if she could list her three year old as her best friend without people thinking she was weird she would. I thought she was weird. I get it now.

But the other part of this is that I still feel we suck at everything else. Our kid is awesome and I love and enjoy him so much but our house is still a mess and food isn’t prepped like I want it to be and there’s no time and the dog needs a bath and we have 500 projects we’d love to do but will never get to. All those things feel so overwhelming all the time and as I try to live in the moment they hang back there. I wish it was easier to get things done. I wish we had more time. I wish that we worked 35 hours a week with full time childcare. I wish we had an extra set of hands. I don’t know what would make it easier. I feel overwhelmed by the stuff that needs to be done and overwhelmed with love for my son and I look at a mother grieve on facebook. My priorities are right even if it is hard.




Golden shackles

Overall I really like my job. I believe in the work I do (in short I am a case manager for low income folks. The long description is long), I like the people I work with, and while I have a ton of shit to do I am able to spend a lot of time procrastinating by doing shit on the internet (like this).

It’s good that I like my job because I can never leave it. For my training and experience my pay is pretty good, the only logical move from here would be things I absolutely do not want to do (child welfare worker), and I have good benefits. I had three months full paid parental leave when Gus was born, We are all covered on my insurance for $0, I get 20 hours of time off accrual a month and I get 12% of my pay put into retirement without any obligation for me to contribute a thing. I will never be able to leave this job if I wanted to.

Today my boss told me she is going to retire this summer. I have worked for her for 8 years at two different places. I’ve worked for her for 1/4th of my life. She’s a lesbian, super liberal, and loves whiskey. I adore her and she adores me. While I enjoy my job I have a lot of issues with how upper management runs our agency. She has the same issues and works hard to shield us from a lot of bullshit. I am 100% confident that whoever they hire to replace her will be more in line with their way of thinking.

There is a lot that can happen between now and then and one of the things is me moving into a middle management type of position. That is her hope. She would ideally like to go down to part time for a while before retiring so would like me to run my program and supervise my two coworkers which means I would report to her and other programs would report to her but it would cut down on her work load.

This is an interesting idea and I think would be a route I would be comfortable with. I like direct service work and working with clients but there is plenty about it I don’t like too. I would still have some client work but move into more administrative stuff, too. This would at least give me more options for the future whether it be here or not.

Ultimately it is really hard news for me. No one else knows yet and she doesn’t plan on telling anyone soon. Her next move is to start working me into the position she wants me in and then moving her work load around to make it work. In the end I know getting a new boss is likely and that sounds horrific yet with my benefits there is nowhere else for me to go.

Sometimes I get to the end of a blog post and am not really sure how to end it. I think it is best when I just randomly stop writing.