Fatigue

I go through these hard phases when the world gets too hard. I think we all probably do but I struggle to pull out of them.

It started with Orlando. It moved into Philando Castile and Alton Sterling. Things spiral from there. If you are still in the big gay mom facebook group you saw what when down there. If not, you saw it other places. The need to insist all lives matter or worse, blue lives matter. The inability to have a conversation. There is hostility on both sides and while I agree with the side of BLM I struggle with the people who believe that we must completely abolish the police. It’s not that I don’t see their point, I do, I just don’t know what that really adds to the conversation right now.

So you take these big things and you add in the all the rest. My friends feeling unsafe. My friends telling me how their children are treated. Someone posted a link on a friend’s timeline of her daughter’s picture that ended up on Reddit after a local event. The friend’s friend posted it as “Hey! Look at your cute kid!” but the comments below were filled with racism. (Note: if you EVER see your friend’s kid on Reddit I’m going to pretty much guarantee your friend never needs to see what people are saying.) All of this, and something else that hurts my heart similarly but I don’t want to discuss here, becomes a heavy weight. Add in the end of the democratic primary and the sexism and hatred that come with that (I’m extremely pro Hillary, in case you didn’t know.) and it just is too much.

And then you have the every day stuff. Money stress. Being behind at work with no motivation. A kid who isn’t currently sleeping well and is, lucky for us, carrying an attitude we are told matches up with a 2.5 year old. A messy house. A cat having seizures (and $400 in vet bills).

I need to pull it together and turn things around. Be more productive. Take more control. I figured out that if we worked hard at it we could have all consumer debt and our car paid off by June 2018. Putting big chunks towards that and getting it paid off would put a ton of extra money in our pockets monthly and essentially eliminate money stress ever again. I know how to do my job – I just need to do it. Lesley and I are taking a day off at the beginning of August to deep clean our house. Small steps that will help with that.

But then the big stuff still looms. The stuff that makes the world hurt. And when I think about turning that off I just feel guilty. I have the privilege of being able to turn it off – that means I shouldn’t. But in reality I know I will. I always do. We always do. We remember things are sad but we move forward and right now that feels like the biggest hurt of all.

Back to work.

 

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Posted on July 13, 2016, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Oh man. I’m feeling this SO HARD right now. ❤ to you.

  2. I’m feeling very similar, and also want to echo the social service provider burnout I am SO experiencing right now.

  3. Oof, yes. The details over here vary a little, but the emotions, the fatigue.. the guilt/necessity of being able to turn some of the big stuff off..

  4. This is how I’m functioning and feeling right now too.

  5. I drove down the street on my way to run errands and passed a park where someone had written very prominently a beautiful script writing of Black Lives Matter. In our community that is overwhelmingly white, I was so encouraged to see this simple display of support.

    Less than a day later, (a white) someone crossed out Black to put ALL in crooked, ugly letters and I felt my stomach drop. I thought about the ignorance constantly. I kept telling myself to go and simply wipe away the chalk and restore the important message.

    I didn’t.

    I didn’t because I was so busy getting groceries home. I didn’t because every time I passed it, I was in a rush to somewhere else. I didn’t because I felt like maybe it wasn’t my place. I didn’t because a part of me was scared of a possible confrontation.

    I was so embarrassed. It’s right at the corner across from two stop signs and as I was driving away from the sign encased in white privilege, a black woman was stopped across from me driving straight into the message that “all” lives matter when I knew her life is in so much more danger than mine; that her life is a turning signal away from possible death? That she is systemically in trouble and I didn’t help her.

    I couldn’t look at her, I was so, so ashamed.

    I’m right there with you. I’m hoping I can learn to do better, to be better, to lift up these voices who are screaming to be heard.

  6. I can so identify with this – there is all of this small stuff that feels like it’s crushing me right now, and then the big stuff that seems so much more important and yet even more insurmountable, and it is all a lot.

  7. As others are saying, I am with you so much on this. Life feels entirely too hard right now.

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