I go through these hard phases when the world gets too hard. I think we all probably do but I struggle to pull out of them.
It started with Orlando. It moved into Philando Castile and Alton Sterling. Things spiral from there. If you are still in the big gay mom facebook group you saw what when down there. If not, you saw it other places. The need to insist all lives matter or worse, blue lives matter. The inability to have a conversation. There is hostility on both sides and while I agree with the side of BLM I struggle with the people who believe that we must completely abolish the police. It’s not that I don’t see their point, I do, I just don’t know what that really adds to the conversation right now.
So you take these big things and you add in the all the rest. My friends feeling unsafe. My friends telling me how their children are treated. Someone posted a link on a friend’s timeline of her daughter’s picture that ended up on Reddit after a local event. The friend’s friend posted it as “Hey! Look at your cute kid!” but the comments below were filled with racism. (Note: if you EVER see your friend’s kid on Reddit I’m going to pretty much guarantee your friend never needs to see what people are saying.) All of this, and something else that hurts my heart similarly but I don’t want to discuss here, becomes a heavy weight. Add in the end of the democratic primary and the sexism and hatred that come with that (I’m extremely pro Hillary, in case you didn’t know.) and it just is too much.
And then you have the every day stuff. Money stress. Being behind at work with no motivation. A kid who isn’t currently sleeping well and is, lucky for us, carrying an attitude we are told matches up with a 2.5 year old. A messy house. A cat having seizures (and $400 in vet bills).
I need to pull it together and turn things around. Be more productive. Take more control. I figured out that if we worked hard at it we could have all consumer debt and our car paid off by June 2018. Putting big chunks towards that and getting it paid off would put a ton of extra money in our pockets monthly and essentially eliminate money stress ever again. I know how to do my job – I just need to do it. Lesley and I are taking a day off at the beginning of August to deep clean our house. Small steps that will help with that.
But then the big stuff still looms. The stuff that makes the world hurt. And when I think about turning that off I just feel guilty. I have the privilege of being able to turn it off – that means I shouldn’t. But in reality I know I will. I always do. We always do. We remember things are sad but we move forward and right now that feels like the biggest hurt of all.
Back to work.