Check in

How is everyone holding up?  I’m not really okay but can’t talk much about this yet. I open the comments for us to talk together if you need to. I need that. 


Posted on June 13, 2016, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 29 Comments.

  1. I am in a place that I pretty much can’t process it.

  2. I’m just so truly devastated. I still can’t wrap my head around this. I’ve been fighting off tears this whole weekend, and also re-evaluating my reservations for Pride Family Week in Provincetown this year. We are meeting up with several of our kids donor siblings, and we are so so worried, that there could potentially be a huge target on the BIGGEST gathering of LGBTQ families in the country. We have no idea what to do…

    • I totally understand. We’ll be our LG town for our small town pride and decided already not to go to the big one in the state. I told Lesley yesterday I’m both sad and relieved we’re not going. I don’t know the right answer for this.❤️

    • Though my area is small, I wouldn’t be avoiding pride celebrations due to these events. Sometimes one thing like this emboldens others but there will be increased security for sure. Because both Orlanda and LA were individuals and not part of extremist groups, I am not as concerned. We all have to make our own decisions that are best for us, so I understand not going. Maybe you can celebrate in a smaller way like a family bbq and movie night.

  3. Two weeks ago, the husband of a friend of ours (a straight white man) said he was frustrated with oppressed groups because we never seem to acknowledge how far we have come, and we just keep wanting more and bigger changes. Think about where things were in the ’70s, he said and where they are now! I sarcastically replied that it was nice to have a credit card in my own name. I don’t think people in those positions have any sense of what it means to live in fear. All of the political progress in the world makes no difference when you can be attacked or killed or violated just for existing. We live in a country where it is becoming more and more okay to say hateful things. Hateful words lead to hateful actions. I wish we had someplace to be where we could be safe.

    • Oh good, straight white dude, glad to know you think we’re good. Your fb post is on point: We let ourselves think that things are good because marriage passed. We’re all set! But it’s not okay. It’s not good. It’s funny, in so many fb groups I am in I see so much chatter from folks about big acts of violence and nothing about this except a few posts in HM where people talk about how they hope their kids aren’t gay.

      • I noticed that too. I get so sad every time I read one of those posts that’s all “Hey shooter, you didn’t win! Love is winning! We are not afraid!” Because I’m like that’s bullshit, I’m afraid. Our whole community is reeling. Lots of us are scared. People are deciding not to attend Pride, they are questioning going to “gay” destinations like P-town and Fire Island. People are afraid that their kids will turn out gay and face violence like this. So I don’t really feel like we are winning here. I feel like we lost, big time. We lost lives, we lost a sense of safety, we lost a certain amount of hope. You and I spent lots of time at bars and clubs just like that one — it could have been us, a decade ago. Pretty much any Saturday where we had any money at all we were out. You know? It feels like pure luck that we are here, having this conversation. Like we literally dodged a bullet.

      • Yes. Thank you for voicing this reality. Continuing to live does not mean we are not afraid.

      • Yes. This was our life. This is our friends lives. And they are winning! We’re terrified and rightfully so.

  4. I moved through yesterday trying to block it out but obsessively checking for updates on a friend. Once I put the kids to bed I fell apart. An hour later my friend was confirmed dead. I’m in so much pain at the loss we’ve faced as individuals and as a community. My fear is high and my heart is aching. I dropped the kids off at daycare and as Carter pulled me in for a longer hug than normal I looked around the room and couldn’t stop thinking about the fear and sadness the communities of his friend’s face. I hate that their families/communities will face the unwarranted backlash of this attack rather than the people who are perpetually allowing these guns to exist.
    Overall, i’m not doing well.

    • I’m so sorry to hear that you lost a friend in this. Sending you some hugs.

    • I’m so sorry about the loss of your friend. There were posts looking for information in multiple groups and I watched all day hoping for good. I’m so sad for both our community and the Muslim community. I’m angry at myself for thinking it was okay for us to bring a child into this world, this community, and then angry for thinking that. I feel so lost and helpless and scared.

      • The world needs our children but I totally relate. At first I was feeling terrified about our plans to march with them at pride and then I was realizing how vulnerable we are everywhere and it just makes me ill. I just want to protect them so badly.

    • Oh friend, I’m sorry to hear about the loss of a loved one for you to this stupid, heinous tragedy. It’s so, so sad…

    • AmyApplesnail

      I’m so sorry you had to experience such a close loss from this tragedy. It is so upsetting just to imagine that it COULD have been people I know… I can’t imagine how those close to the victims are making it through this. My love and thoughts are with you, and with all of the victims and their families.

  5. It’s a hard headspace to be in. This is the first tragic shooting to happen since the birth of our son and it’s overwhelming me in ways I was not prepared for. Today I am afraid. Afraid of everything that could be to our beautiful new little family.

    My mother in law called yesterday morning and told us she didn’t think we should attend any pride events this year. I must say that her concern for us is touching, and with a new little one, our priorities are now different. Part of me wants to go and show my support, and let them now that they aren’t going to scare us back into the woodwork. We are here to stay, and live and love. However, the other part of me cannot take the risk that someone else might get an idea in their head and I chose to put my family in harms way.

    All of this is to say, that we won’t be going to pride this year, and it crushes a part of me inside. Today I am afraid.

    • I totally get your decision about not going to pride, as heartbreaking as that is. Beyond the fear I just can’t imagine how it would feel right now. It’s all too hard.

      This stuff is so difficult with kids but this one is so different to me. When mass shootings happen I wonder why I brought a child into this world knowing the violence and hate. now I wonder why I brought a child into the world knowing the violence and hate directed at his family. I fear that just by aiding his creation I have done him the ultimate disservice. Yet how can anything change without bringing good folks into the world? What is the right answer? And I guess it is too late to try to figure that out: our kids are here.

  6. I’m feeling…mostly numb at the moment. I am struggling with how to think about bringing another child into this world. Sooner than I know we will be navigating our children’s grief and understanding of the fear and hate that is the fuel.

    We bridged our high school seniors at our fellowship yesterday. I’m an advisor. I couldn’t find words to say beyond telling the youth that I love them and am proud of them. The other advisor, a straight white man, got up and so eloquently expressed his grief in the moment and put words to many of my feelings. I have never been more grateful for a true ally, someone who was able to do the heavy lifting in that moment and let me sit and just be.

    Finally. A former youth came out to me and my wife yesterday. She is 20. She is about to enter the world of clubs and dating and all of the things that make us public and vulnerable. I was so full of joy that she has figured out so much of who she is in the last year, and so afraid at the same time. I hate being afraid.

    • What a terrible time for the beauty of a coming out moment. Those moments are so precious and important and to be navigating that right now… I just can’t. I’m so thankful that I have time to think about how to talk about this with my kiddo and so sad that I have to talk about this with my kiddo.

  7. I’ve been near tears all day still. I’ve been lucky, I’ve honestly never felt discriminated against of marginalized for my sexuality and have always, always felt safe when attending Pride events. I hate how scared and sad I feel now. I hate how I now question the safety of Pride events. I hate how I’d almost even be afraid to attend vigils. I saw the pictures and video of the gorgeous vigil in the Castro in SF, a place I’ve been countless times, and I felt so scared for them. What if some fucking psychopath had taken advantage of such a gathering? It’s not out of the realm of possibility, not by a long shot. I find myself being so scared for Declan and the future. Ugh. Now I really am crying.

    • I looked at stuff about the vigil last night here (I was home, with toddler, without car so not happening) and there was criticism of the organizers for not making it clear enough that it was trans friendly and not enough outreach to the latino queer community (you know, in like 6 hours in our super white town) and it was just all so sad because on top of this whole fucking thing we need to tear apart anyone who tries to do anything. The divisions in the queer community are sad and right now not at all needed. I’m trying to be respectful that everyone has their own journey yet all I can think about is being 22 and dancing with my friends in the one place we felt safe. I’ve been scared looking at the pictures, too. I want to be there and want to be no where near there.

  8. Most of my feelings seem to involve my daughter and this world that we’ve forced her into. I will never understand murder. I just can’t fathom how someone could ever feel that it’s ok to take a life when I know how miraculous it is that that life even existed. I hate that there are people yelling that our desire to ban assault weapons is unconstitutional. I hate that they think their “right” to own such weapons trumps my family’s right to feel safe. I hate that we didn’t go to pride yesterday because I was scared for my baby’s safety. I haven’t been scared to be myself in a long time–it feels foreign to be back in this place.

  9. I’m not really okay either. I’m very sad. I feel a very deep pain. I haven’t posted about it on facebook because I don’t really have the words. I’m sick. I have appreciated all that you have posted though. It has helped me process.

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