*** Probably not the post for you if you have bad anxiety ***
I had a pretty great pregnancy with Gus. I threw up only twice, had no major issues, and he grew on track with no concerns. Yet the whole time I worried. I was worried something would go wrong. I hesitated to think about the future with a baby because I knew something could go wrong. I was too worried to trust things would be okay.
I worried so much the first year of his life. Even if he was okay was I doing everything correctly? Was he rolling when he should roll and crawling when he should crawl? Did I love him enough? Did I forever scar him the night (or 12) that he wouldn’t go to sleep and I yelled? Should I do more?
Somewhere between 10-14 months that calmed down. He was clearly on track and doing great. I was able to enjoy my kiddo so much. I knew we were all doing okay and that we’d make it.
And now in the last couple weeks worry has started to set back in. There was a story last week about a mama in Portland who was hiking with her family and her kiddo who was 2 or 3 was hiking and took a misstep and tumbled down a cliff. He had some injuries but will be okay. His mama will not. She saw him go and immediately went after him and died. This story filled me with panic. I feel for this family but I think of how many places we hike with cliffs. Gus is way too small to be off my back in these places but one day he won’t be. How will I ever trust him to hike alone and not go close to the edge? What if I am hiking with him and I trip? We planned some camping trips this summer and will be at the beach. What if he gets too close to the water? What if something happens to him somewhere we go? I wonder if these worries will go away as he gets more stable on his feet/develops any sort of self control? As it stands now I think about taking him anywhere outside of the house and what could happen to him and it gets hard to breathe.
Add to those worries the fact that Humans of New York is on facebook featuring kids with cancer this week. What if he doesn’t fall off a cliff but instead gets sick? Those kids featured were all healthy happy kids and then got sick. What if that is my kid? There is no way to tell. I could keep him away from every cliff and every body of water and something could still happen to him. I can’t keep him safe no matter what I do.
I don’t really know how to get over this. It’s not stopping me from living but it occupies my mind more often than I would like to admit. I loved Gus when he was born. I loved him when he was an infant. But now we chat. Now he kisses and hugs. Now he and I have a relationship and hang out and have a good time. I worry so much that something will happen to him and honestly, I don’t know if it is him or me I worry about. I want him to be safe and to grow and always be happy and healthy yes, but I realize now that if anything happened to him I’d be done for too.