The car is getting repaired. We only have a rental car for 20 days and are on day 6. They expect the work to take 3 weeks from today. We’re going to try out the bike route to daycare and then work this weekend to see if we think we can make it a week car free. We could without a doubt if it weren’t for daycare. Daycare is a bit far in the opposite direction from work. But I really don’t want to pay more to have the car another week.
We tried to find a way to get to New York this summer but ultimately decided not to go. My bestie understands. She’s thinking they’ll come west for a Napa weekend in the fall. My sister lives in Napa so we all would have a free place to stay. It is a vacation that could totally work for us and we could still see each other.
Things are stressful but moving along and slightly better. But I’m struggling. I go through these periods from time to time and eventually they ease but I am feeling disconnected.
I feel disconnected from old friends. We planned the New York trip with another family (three total). The other family kept trying to come up with solutions that really just made me go into more and more detail about our finances. It made me feel shitty to have to continually explain the fact that we have decent incomes but live paycheck to paycheck. In my everyday life I don’t stress about this a lot because I know long term we won’t pay childcare forever but I don’t want to sit and explain my financial situation to anyone.
I feel disconnected from a lot of moms. I’m sick of seeing pictures of other people’s kids during the day. I’m sick of the reminder that everyone around me doesn’t have to work and I do. We both choose to work. We choose our life. But sometimes it feels really bad to watch everyone in every mom group set up midday playdates and hikes and our daycare has been too busy to send our midday pictures lately and I just sit at work and stare at my phone waiting to see my kid.
I feel disconnected from about 90% of people I know because I have different opinions than them about the presidential primaries and I am tired of the ugliness surrounding it.
I feel disconnected from my wife because she plays hockey 2-3 nights a week and when she is home I feel like we have so much to do and we never enjoy each other. Because my dad was in town this weekend and one night after Gus went to bed Lesley went out by ourselves for one hour and had a beer and it was amazing and now I am crying knowing that it will likely be months before that happens again.
I feel disconnected from my kid because we are taking swim lessons Monday and Wednesday and while it’s fun it’s during our only time with him and I want to read him books. He begs us to play with him while we get ready in the morning and make dinner and night and fell asleep tonight crying “outside” and it breaks my cold tiny heart.
I feel disconnected from my home because it’s trashed and I can’t enjoy a messy house.
I feel disconnected from myself because when I am stressed I can’t move. I can’t figure out what to possibly do. I don’t know where to start. I just want to sit on my couch and eat sacks of McDonalds. But instead I ate dry semi-stale Honeycombs.
The immediate stress is resolvedish. It’s working out. But the aftermath is still hanging around.