Disconnect

The car is getting repaired. We only have a rental car for 20 days and are on day 6. They expect the work to take 3 weeks from today. We’re going to try out the bike route to daycare and then work this weekend to see if we think we can make it a week car free. We could without a doubt if it weren’t for daycare. Daycare is a bit far in the opposite direction from work. But I really don’t want to pay more to have the car another week.

We tried to find a way to get to New York this summer but ultimately decided not to go. My bestie understands. She’s thinking they’ll come west for a Napa weekend in the fall. My sister lives in Napa so we all would have a free place to stay. It is a vacation that could totally work for us and we could still see each other.

Things are stressful but moving along and slightly better. But I’m struggling. I go through these periods from time to time and eventually they ease but I am feeling disconnected.

I feel disconnected from old friends. We planned the New York trip with another family (three total). The other family kept trying to come up with solutions that really just made me go into more and more detail about our finances. It made me feel shitty to have to continually explain the fact that we have decent incomes but live paycheck to paycheck. In my everyday life I don’t stress about this a lot because I know long term we won’t pay childcare forever but I don’t want to sit and explain my financial situation to anyone.

I feel disconnected from a lot of moms. I’m sick of seeing pictures of other people’s kids during the day. I’m sick of the reminder that everyone around me doesn’t have to work and I do. We both choose to work. We choose our life. But sometimes it feels really bad to watch everyone in every mom group set up midday playdates and hikes and our daycare has been too busy to send our midday pictures lately and I just sit at work and stare at my phone waiting to see my kid.

I feel disconnected from about 90% of people I know because I have different opinions than them about the presidential primaries and I am tired of the ugliness surrounding it.

I feel disconnected from my wife because she plays hockey 2-3 nights a week and when she is home I feel like we have so much to do and we never enjoy each other. Because my dad was in town this weekend and one night after Gus went to bed Lesley went out by ourselves for one hour and had a beer and it was amazing and now I am crying knowing that it will likely be months before that happens again.

I feel disconnected from my kid because we are taking swim lessons Monday and Wednesday and while it’s fun it’s during our only time with him and I want to read him books. He begs us to play with him while we get ready in the morning and make dinner and night and fell asleep tonight crying “outside” and it breaks my cold tiny heart.

I feel disconnected from my home because it’s trashed and I can’t enjoy a messy house.

I feel disconnected from myself because when I am stressed I can’t move. I can’t figure out what to possibly do. I don’t know where to start. I just want to sit on my couch and eat sacks of McDonalds. But instead I ate dry semi-stale Honeycombs.

The immediate stress is resolvedish. It’s working out. But the aftermath is still hanging around.

Advertisements

Posted on April 7, 2016, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. twomamasonebaby

    I’m sorry things are rough, friend. Is there anything we can do?

  2. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with so many things right now.

  3. Aww buddy, sorry things suck right now.

  4. God I wish we lived near each other. I feel you, and know exactly how you feel about working – I guess it is a choice for us too, because ultimately everything is, but we would be pretty poor if we didn’t both work lol. But I hate it & I struggle because I’m terrified my kids like grandma more than me & look to her as a primary care giver over me. *sigh* can’t everything just be free?

    • Yeah, one of us could not work and we could pay our bills but never once order pizza or go swimming or anything that costs $4. So I don’t see that as a viable option. The hard part is I know, both now and long term, that this is the right choice for our family. It just doesn’t always feel like that day to day.

  5. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed. I feel you on so much of this. Work, play time, time alone with the wife, messy house (omg the mess). There just aren’t enough hours in the day and I feel like I’m half assing all of it. And I’m so damn tired.

  6. Hang in there. I find it easy to disconnect from things. Some I do on purpose and so things just disconnect on there own. Getting reconnected is such a hard task! I always find it works better once I collect myself to try tackling one thing at a time. If not I do little things in each area, and it never gets me anywhere.

  7. Oof, the mess. When you figure yours out, come on over and figure mine out please. Except don’t, because apparently I’m a control freak about where things go because I hate not being able to find stuff, whoops. Otherwise we’d totally hire a housekeeper at least once a month. I’m glad winter is over because the mess impedes enjoyment of home much more when I’m stuck inside longer & under artificial lighting.

    Wishing you pleasant weather and much luck so the biking endeavor works out for your family!

  8. I’ll admit that i’m pretty sad about you guys not coming to NY because Levi and Noah playing with Gus and Callie and I chillin with you guys would have been ridiculously cool, but now we’ll just have to come out and see you guys! That disconnected feeling really sucks…like really, really sucks. And I hope ita ll improves because you have had a LOT of shit going on lately, and you need a damn break! I’ll be praying on that for you! And finances…ugh! I hear you the most on that! How do we both work, makes 6 figures combined and still live paycheck to paycheck!?!?! It’s unfuckingreal! And explaining it, forget it! No one gets it!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: