Childcare update/parental sensitivies

This is a two in one blog post because I wanted to write about both of these things.

Post 1: Childcare.

So we toured two child cares. The first one we liked and the second one was at a church and had a whiteboard that said, “Don’t let Satan put a question mark where God put a period” so we are going with the first one! It’s an in home place which I was weary about but it is very nice. The woman who runs it is a single woman in her late 20’s/early 30’s and lives alone. She has a bedroom in the back of the house and the rest is set up like a childcare. It is currently just her but she has someone starting in January so then will be able to have up to ten kids enrolled. She has back up teachers if she is sick, she has lots of toys but not too many toys, she has a fenced yard, and she is about $250 cheaper than our current childcare. The only drawback is she’s not much closer than our current sitter but we can live with that. She lives very close to a big public park and swimming pool so we can do stuff after work there with Gus. We are starting part time in January and will keep him with our current sitter two days a week. He’ll go full time there in February.

Post 2: Parental Sensitives.

Lesley called her dad tonight and her dad asked a question about if Gus is ready for Santa. Lesley explained to her dad that we’re not doing Santa. We don’t think that the whole Santa thing is bad or harmful, it’s just not for us. If you know other people who don’t do Santa then you likely know the reasons – if you are curious I’ll explain more but that’s not totally the point here. Lesley’s dad was a bit defensive – she was raised with Santa and was not harmed.

This kind of thing happens a lot when our plans to parent go against how we were raised. I’ve seen it with crying it out, with rice cereal in a bottle, with circumcision. It’s surprising to me yet I get it. I get it because I’ve seen parents who are my peers get defensive about their choices and it’s surprises me because these are our parents, not our peers. I don’t know how to have these conversations without offending them. Lesley and I both had wonderful childhoods. We had great parents and were happy and healthy and all those things people hope for. Yet we still want to do some things differently. I wish our parents didn’t take that as a personal attack – they did nothing wrong, but we still want to do some things differently. Lesley’s dad is the first one we told about Santa – I expect years of parental disappointment ahead of us.


Posted on December 22, 2015, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. Honestly, I haven’t figured it out yet either. My parents won’t say anything directly to me anyway. But we certainly disagree and my mom especially struggles with the changes that have come about simply by a greater understanding of kids and brains and such. I try to reassure her from time to time that she did the best she could and there’s nothing to feel bad about. But, things get complicated. My hope is in time, when they see that the kids thrive that they’ll stop worrying so much.

  2. I’m glad you liked one of the daycare options! Hopefully this will bring a more stable era for you 3.
    We parent very similar to the way Jen’s parents were/are, so there isn’t much of that kind of awkward or difficult stuff there. My family, on the other hand, is very different so that’s where the difficulties come up. I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t talk about things with them.
    As for Santa in particular, why aren’t you guys doing it? I don’t have strong feelings about Santa, and honestly can’t remember a time when I actually believed in him, we were too poor to keep up a charade like that. I guess I just never thought about not doing Santa, it’s just what people do! 😉

    • There is a few reasons we are no Santa. 1) We don’t like the whole good/bad thing. That you get gifts if you are good but not if you are bad and this arbitrary made up person decides that. I also think this has negative implications when it comes to class – poor kids don’t get much because they are bad? I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right. 2) The lying to the kid thing gets me a bit, too. Of course, I think over time there will be plenty of things I lie to my kid about… That being said, we’re not going to completely deny any Santa related things or whatever and will likely talk about how Santa is the spirit of giving that lives in all of us or some bullshit like that.

      • Oh, we lie all the time. Marshmallows mysteriously disappear, the dogs always eat all the candy, that damn ‘the little engine that could’ book is totally around somewhere and not in the trash.
        Now you have me overthinking the whole Santa thing.

      • Neither one of us have vivid memories of learning Santa doesn’t exist but the idea of that little connection of “mom’s are lying to me” is rough for me to think about. But I am queen of overthinker land over here.

      • Don’t worry, you’ll be lying up a storm just like the rest of us before you know it! And you won’t even feel bad!
        (Just kidding. Kind of…)

    • We try to just avoid things, too. 😉

  3. The daycare sounds great! Not the Satan one, of course.

    My mom is full of guilt trips like that. I can’t mention anything from my childhood or how I am choosing to do something now without it offending her. I give up! Time to move to Portland! 😉

    • ^ Sounds like my mom! Except sometimes she explicitly asks. I don’t deny outright lying to her about some things, especially when it’s something we’ve already talked to her about that is so not worth another conversation.

      • I’ve got to get better at guessing what will bring these things on. He was also dismayed because he sent Gus money for Christmas and we told him what we used it on, including a board book called “toot” about farting. He’s a fart joke kind of guy so we thought he’d like this but he was upset that the book did not tell Gus that it was not appropriate to fart in public. Um, he’s 1. Not into shaming our kid about bodily functions quite yet.

  4. Sometimes I wonder if I should send our kids to religious care, if it ends up coming to them needing care. I mean, I went to Sunday School as a tot, a Catholic school from K-6, and CCD in jr high (and church pretty much every Sunday from birth – adolescence). It didn’t slow me down one bit in my sex-positive, queer, lesbian, bleeding-heart liberalness.

    Then I remember that I’m queer and my wife’s queer and I can only imagine how that would impact the religious caregiver’s interactions with our kids. Maybe it’d all be okay, but I’m not sure I’m willing to test that out on our babes.

    • I went to a conservative lutheran school and church. I had religion 7 days a week through 8th grade. I’m still not past everything that happened. Granted, most was fine. There were positives to it, but to me the negatives aren’t worth the risk. Especially when they start talking about sexuality. How does that impact the kid to hear their parents are going to hell? No way. I’d home school long before going that route. But that’s me. 🙂

      • Yeah, I got out before any sex ed happened, thankfully. Not sure how I would’ve reacted, I’ve always been kind of a spitfire around social justice issues even as a kid. I see that in our 3 yr old too, so they’d probably kick her out of the school, if they let us in to begin with. But I wouldn’t want to subject her to any of that, especially since we are not religious whatsoever. It’d be like sending them to a school obsessed with the worship of elves and gnomes, except the elves and gnomes are mean and judgemental.

    • I went to Catholic school k-8 and am not too screwed up but it did suck. I will say though, listening to stories of parents of school aged kids, I think that the catholic school here has the most rigorous curriculum and most structure. I’m not saying I will send him there but I would be open to it if it is what he needs. The daycare wasn’t bad and I know another mama (a Northwest single mama – straight but super progressive) who has her son there and recommended it. I just can’t really get past the glaring Satan stuff when there was another good option.

      • Did the religious daycare say anything about the two-mom aspect of your family? (was it Catholic or something else?)

        Also, YAY to finding childcare that will give you back some sanity & stability (bonus on the $250 in savings each month)!

      • In spite of, or maybe because of being a public school teacher, I fully recommend catholic school if your public schools aren’t great.

      • I hear you, kayrosey! Teaching in the public schools around here made me seriously consider homeschooling our kids, whereas previously I would have rolled my eyes at the idea. The good private schools around here are $$$, so private schools aren’t happening for us unless MN adopts a voucher system in the next couple of years. With the sex abuse scandals in our local diocese, I don’t think we could go that route – even if they weren’t fundamentally incompatible with our family.

  5. We do Santa, but that’s because man I love being SANTA more than I ever liked receiving from Santa. LOL. Anyway, I do get the parental stuff though. Like all through my pregnancy when I didn’t eat tuna; my mom couldn’t even attempt to conceal her eyerolls. Or now, because we don’t spank Punky, over and beyond a swat on the butt once or twice in her whole life and instead we opt for talking it out and discussing our feelings and letting her tell us when she thinks we are wrong, when she doesn’t like something. All of that goes beyond EVERYTHING my parents did, which is really the point for me. LOL. I get it.

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