I’ve been struggling. There does not seem to be an area of my life that is not filled with stress.
I am behind at work. Like REALLY behind. This is problematic, sure, but there are a few different levels of this. First, my annual review is in October. I need to be caught up for it. Second, some things are shifting. The senior member of our department is taking on some responsibilities with other departments that could possibly lead to a promotion there for her. This means I am taking on more responsibilities in our department. My boss is going to retire in the next two to three year. The senior member of our department planned to apply for her job. If she takes this other promotion that is unlikely. There is a person between us in seniority but she is incompetent and close to retirement as well. My boss and I are very close and she would want me to take her job. This means that I need to get my act together and catch up and prove I can take on extra responsibility. I struggle so much when I am behind. I feel like I just can’t ever catch up so why try. This leads to a lot of sitting at my desk feeling overwhelmed. (Also, pumping at work is hard. It’s hard to do stuff while pumping and whenever I get on a roll I have to stop to pump.)
Financially things are tight. At one of the jobs Lesley is leaving she got no paid time off so we lost a chunk of money going to MI. We had our second half of our CSA payment due this month as well. And we bought a rug. And I have poor financial management skills. I knew we’d be tight next month but money always shifts when you quit a job and start a new one. It seemed as though we were going to be pretty far behind until November. Gus’ birthday is Oct 2nd. It seemed we could not buy him the one present I wanted to buy him – a $30 doll.
Our house is trashed. I can never clean it. Gus is the destroyer. I got sick this week and then we just got behind.
Our childcare needs have changed with the new job. Our sitter doesn’t want to do five days. We need five days. Our sitter is pregnant and often sick. We have no back up. She won’t be able to work tomorrow. Lesley is out of town for the night. I have no one to watch Gus.
So, that’s how I have been feeling. And that’s how I felt today when crying I emailed my friend today and just crumbled.
And then the weights lifted.
I’m still behind at work but I’m going to sneak home a few things I can do at home to help feel a bit more on top of things. Hopefully this will be the kickstart I need. (Although I am open to suggestions of what you do when you get too far behind!)
I calculated wrong because the paycheck I thought we would lose by Lesley changing jobs we won’t lose. Her pay period is delayed two weeks so she’ll get two checks when she leaves. This means we can buy Gus this doll for his birthday AND feed the dog. We’ll still be a bit behind but we’ll catch up just fine in October.
Because I don’t really have childcare tomorrow I will be home and can clean! Yay! Also, it is supposed to rain (THANK THE GODDESS) so I can stop feeling guilty about not mowing our weed garden of a yard for a day.
In crying to a different tonight she told me that a friend of her’s asked her if she wanted one day of childcare because she is looking for a kid or two one day a week. We got put in touch and I am meeting with her this weekend to see if it’s a good fit for Gus to be there on Wednesdays. AND, she can do on call care so if our sitter is sick I don’t have to keep missing work. This is a huge relief. And my friend is able to watch Gus for a few hours tomorrow while I go to work for a bit and meet with a client in crisis I did not want to cancel on. These things are huge, y’all. I know I have talked a lot about the isolation I feel in parenting but it’s been a constant struggle. I thought I built a village before having a kid. I was wrong. I’m building one now. I feel it today and feel a bit more hope. Also, in this I should give a shout out to R who was ready to watch Gus despite living 45 minutes away and Tracy who watched Gus longer than usual today so I could work longer and Lesley could leave town for her work retreat (for a job she is about to leave. There is white water rafting.) even though it is Declan’s birthday and her mom is in town. Village, y’all. I’m starting to feel it.
So things feel easier. Not easy, but like we can manage. This morning I thought the weights were drowning me. Tonight I feel like I can cut them loose.