The worst day

Last night we were suppose to have friends over for dinner and games. I got out of work at noon, picked up the boy, ran errands, and headed home to try to get the house in order. Gus was in a great mood during errands and quite cooperative but things changed when we got home.

This boy won’t nap for me. He just refuses. What this means is he’s fussy and clingy and generally unhappy but won’t go to sleep. This meant I could get nothing done at home- no progress on the house, no lunch for myself, nothing. An hour before our friends were going to come I left Gus by himself in his crib with some toys (because I could no longer stand to look at him) while I sat on the kitchen floor with a bag of lunch meat and cried. I canceled plans.

It was a bad day. My worst. I told Lesley I can’t do this; I never should have been a mom. I tried to figure out if I could financially support them and afford a small apartment. I knew I couldn’t keep doing this.

But I did and I do. I continue because I love them and they are my family. I continue because I chose this life and do not regret it. I’ll try to do better. To be less frustrated. To be a better mom. Today Gus to ONE 45 minute nap but it was easier. He was happy and okay with spending 5 hours at the car dealership. He went to bed early and sure, will most likely be up all night but that’s okay. Tomorrow is my hard day – Lesley works and has hockey so it’s just me and the baby. But you know what? We’ll be okay. He won’t nap and I will cry but we’ll survive and someday it will get better.

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Posted on March 8, 2015, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.

  1. You are a great mom! Remember that!!

  2. If you are there and he is there and everyone is safe, you are doing better than you think. Hang in there, mama! You’re doing great.

  3. Man, you are having a hard time and I need to thank you for being so honest about it. Because let me tell you – in case you feel that mom guilt most of us do – you are not alone. There are still days (three years later) that I have to put Punky in her room because I can’t stand to look at her anymore. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are doing the best you know to do and you are right, it will get better. My heart goes out to you, because most people just aren’t as honest about this part of having a kid as they should be, as you have been. Hang in there, support each other, and remember, this too will change. It will change into something different, not better, but different. HUGS TO YOU.

  4. We all have days like this. You are a great mom, and feeling like you’re not is proof of that.

  5. If it’s any consolation he’s only going to be an infant for so long, then he’ll get bigger and more independent. Some moms are just more kid-moms than baby-moms and that’s okay.

  6. This sounds so hard. Sending love and serenity. It will get better and you are doing a magnificent job.

  7. I love you friend. You’re a great mom. A fussy non-napping baby does not mean you’re a bad mom. Needing a break doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom. Sometimes, babies fuss, and sometimes you reach your limit. You love Gus, and that makes you a great mom. All that’s required is that you try your best, which I know you are. We call these burp rag moments — when you want to cover your face with the burp rag and give the baby to someone else. We all have burp rag moments.

  8. At least once a week, though sometimes several times a week, I call The Queen in hysterics. Sometimes, I’m entirely overwhelmed. Sometimes, I am so sad and suffocated and I can’t remember why I ever thought this was a good idea. Sometimes, I’m angry this is my life when it feels like maybe other choices would have been a lot better. Multiples times a year, I beg her to find a solution to child care that isn’t me so that I will actually love and cherish my children and not want to just abandon then entirely for a much quieter, much easier life.

    But the thing is, those are never actions. They are reactions. They are how I feel because things are hard and tiring and raising humans is exhausting and confusing. When I am happy and fulfilled and in love with these babies, I never think about shipping them to the moon. And that’s how I know that it isn’t ME or THEM it’s just our current situation and hat changes so often for worse but also for better.

    Babies are really difficult. They have a lot of shine and new motherhood is wonderful and I think people don’t like tainting that but talking about how sometimes, it’s just horrible. Who are you human? Why are you in my house? Why won’t you stop screaming? Can I just have a minute to myself? Will this ever end? Why am I so awful at this? And babies give very little back in terms of appreciation and gratitude and you know it’s silly to be hurt by it but sometimes, it would be nice if they acknowledged how much you do for them.

    Later, they will. You’ll have this same type of day and Gus will be terrible but he will curl up in your feet at the end of the day and just stare at you and “I love you. I’m sorry. You’re my best friend. Thanks for playing blocks.” And you see they really get it sometimes, in their haze of expected selfishness. And I can’t tell you how much that helps.

    Hang in there, friend. You’re feelings are valid. They are normal. Sometimes, being a mom just really does suck. Keep talking about it and finding help and doing the best you can for that day. The next day, blank slate. I told The Queen I felt like an awful parent 8 of the twelve hours a day and she gave me a hug and said “tomorrow, try to make it seven” and it’s the truest thing in the world. Thinking of you.

    • This was more helpful than you can imagine. I know logically this is normal and something most people feel from time to time but it’s nice to hear it from moms I admire. Tomorrow will be a better day.

  9. The baby only naps for me if I lay in bed with him and we hold hands, he’ll nap for 2 hours. I get nothing done, but I’ve been binge watching Pretty Little Liars while he sleeps. I promise I am not a 15 year old girl. The fussing is really hard– I’m a patient person, but it wears me out. So does the face scratching, hair pulling, and eyeball gouging when he’s upset. Will Gus sleep if you wear him in a carrier?

    • He used to be great about sleeping in a carrier but it is harder now because he is so curious. He’s never slept in a carrier around the house but we could do walks. Today he did sleep for a half hour in the carrier while I walked but we walked for 2 hours. Normally he is at least happy and content there so it is a good solution for frustrating days. Laying in bed holding hands seems so sweet but also so irritating. 🙂 All the things that frustrate you frustrate me. I just can’t deal with the “I need to sleep but refuse” portions of the day.

  10. Friend, these have been my exact feelings since about 2 weeks after the boys were born. I know the struggle, and it’s REAL! You are not a bad mom, and you have to remember that. You are giving Gus everything he needs and some! But not being able to soothe them, or get them to sleep, or find time for yourself or your partner, it’s draining, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I’m there with you and talking about it makes it better. You’re doing the best you can, and even that can fluctuate daily, but it’s your best, and Gus couldn’t ask for better. Hang in there!

  11. I think every mother has had days like this! I know I sure have. Sometimes – in my worst moments – I just lay in my bed and cry and get it all out. Some days I wonder what in the hell I’ve done, and imagine my life child-free and how EASY it would be.

  12. I’ve said this before, but the first night home from the hospital I was laying there in bed convinced that I simply had to surrender the baby at the fire station, immediately, because there was absolutely no way I could be a mom. Like no way. I had buyers remorse, I made the worst mistake ever. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that people would judge me for abandoning my kid. It’s better now, so let yourself cry, then chin up!

    • Most of the days/times it is great but man, there are those moments. I feel like all the frustration resets when he sleeps. it’s calm and quiet and I can breathe and we can move forward. The problem is he doesn’t always sleep…

  13. Thank you so much for being so real and honest. You are saying what so many of us have obviously felt before or are currently feeling. You are doing the best you can and even when not cooperating Gus love you!

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