Time

I’ve never had a particularly good memory. Short term stuff I am good at but long term has always been iffy. Since giving birth short term is gone too.

This has become very hard. I’m not remembering to pay bills. I am forgetting to do stuff at work. While I try to hold it together I rate my overall life performance at sub par. I don’t know why this is. Lack of sleep? Lack of brain space? Hormones? Whatever the cause is I desperately need a solution.

So work is hard and life is hard but mommy hood is hard, too. I feel like I don’t remember Gus a week ago, let alone five months ago. I can’t picture him being tiny. We didn’t take enough pictures of him as a newborn. We took no family newborn pictures. We never got his hand or foot print. I haven’t written enough (any) in the baby book. I feel like I’ve forgotten the first days. I feel so guilty for not enjoying them more. I feel guilty that I’m not savoring every day more. He’s growing and changing and I have no idea what last week was like. I want to remember it all but can’t.

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Posted on March 5, 2015, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Aww, we didn’t get hand/footprints, or keep up with the baby book either, sometimes I regret it. Every once in a while Jen and I will go thru old pics on our phones and reminisce about the good old days, she remembers more than I do so it’s kind of neat.
    You’ll find a way to get it together in the rest of life. Ali was a difficult, high needs baby that blew my mind, but now at a year and a half I totally feel like my old self, and have for a while.

  2. Ya know, I started a baby book and it’s been put on the backburner. You are not a lone. My Punky will be three in two days and she has nothing to show for it, other than a shit ton of pictures of herself! So – while I totally get the feeling of not enjoying it more, you are not alone, you are among the majority. Live in the moment and things will get better! ((HUGS))

  3. I could have written this exact post. I hope you won’t be too hard on yourself. I have dropped so many balls at work and the worst part is I really don’t care that much. My memory (which is usually amazing) is so terrible. I accidentally paid our mortgage twice one month, and forgot to pay all the other bills. I am hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon, but last night our little guy was up from midnight until 5, just wide awake refusing to sleep and now I’m a zombie today it’s like 5 steps backwards. Hang in there. I also have a baby book I haven’t written a word in yet. I also bought a journal for him and have at least managed to write in that a few times a month.

  4. The one good thing that you will have is this blog. You can go back and touch base with what you were feeling or what was going on when Gus was just born. Those will trigger memories adn you can start to recall and write things down. They may not be as accurate as if you wrote them when they are happening, but they’ll be yours! And you’ll remember! When life is moving about around us, it’s hard to take all the time we really want, but wehn you do that that time, document it with pictures and smells and sounds…you’d be surprised what you can remember when, let’s say, you smell cotton candy. I can come up with about 20 memories incorporating that smell. As far as forgetting to pay bills, and forgetting stuff at work, join the club of “The Forgetful Moms”. i have to put everything into my iphone with alarms!!! My alarm went off yesterday to pay our cable bill, a day early at 10am…speaking of which….

  5. Friend, you are one step ahead of me. We keep on meaning to buy a baby book and haven’t done it yet. And I am so impressed you have kept up with Gus’s monthly pictures showing his growth. Try not to be too hard on yourself about dropping various balls. I think you’re doing great! Especially since I am fully aware of how little you have been sleeping, and you’re working on top of that. Love you lots.

  6. I want to like all of these comments! Also, to offer you an official welcome to the club. 😉

    You’re juggling way more balls now than you were pre-Gus (at least two, right? ha). Parenting is hard and our brains have limits, especially when you factor in sleep disruptions. If it helps, I think it does get better once you can regularly get 8 hrs of uninterrupted sleep again.

    The photos, memories, guilt.. whew. I still feel pangs on occasion when I think about the brand-new photos and footprints we didn’t get with R because of her medical emergency. We got footprints when she was 5 days old instead of brand new, and I was bummed about that when she was an infant. Now it doesn’t bother me at all compared to then. There are just so many awesome memories (and photos and hand/foot prints and artwork, etc) and new ones being made every single day, and we are blown away by how amazing these little people are. The photos & videos we have are absolutely precious. The moments we didn’t catch on film? I’m sure they were precious too, but I don’t miss them. It’s true that these stinkers grow & change and turn into toddlers and then into *kids* WAY too fast! But it’s so incredible to witness, isn’t it? Bittersweet for sure.

    You might not have a gazillion photos of Gus as a newborn, but you have a handful of absolutely gorgeous photos that you shared on here, and I think, with time, you’ll find that to be more than enough. And better than having a ton of so-so pictures that you don’t know what to do with, but can’t bear to delete. But seriously, you have the BEST labor pictures and an excellent 1st family picture too. Real & messy & cosy nursing baby goodness. And so many memories captured throughout the months here in your blog & on FB. Just wait until he starts talking and you want to write down EVERY single brilliant thing that comes out of his mouth (ie everything). I made gmail accounts for our kids so I could keep up with recording the stories of their lives and their conversations (and accompanying photos). It’ll be a great multimedia chronicle for them to explore when they’re older, as long as Gmail sticks around.

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