Monthly Archives: March 2015

A do over

We keep toying with this idea of one more child. I made a list of things that need to happen in order to make that decision: A) I need to be able to eat dairy. B) Gus needs to sleep better. C) We need to have a plan for how we might be able to add onto our house in the future. I also set a deadline: We decide by the end of the year.

It seems like a daunting task. I’ve got the house plan made (Our house would not handle two teenagers and two adults well and I don’t want to move. I know there is a lot of time and this could change but I needed to feel like we have options.) and we’re working on sleep constantly. Dairy is what it is and will sort itself out by then.

The real question I have to figure out is do I want another kid or do I want a do over? We’re just at the point where I feel that we can do this. Things are fun and manageable and while there are bad days it is normally okay. It is normally good. But in reaching this point I feel like there is so much we missed.

We never got family pictures as a newborn. We don’t have his foot print or hand print as a newborn. I don’t remember his first smile. I’m behind in the baby book (like, way behind). I didn’t hold him enough. I don’t remember enough. I didn’t take enough pictures. I didn’t enjoy it enough.

So is it that I want another baby or is my boy growing too fast for me to keep up? Could I really do better next time or would I be ever farther behind? I don’t know.

Gus turns 6 months old this week and we’re trying to catch up. We took family pictures this weekend. I plan to get his hand and foot print this week. I savor every smile, even if I don’t remember the first one. I just goes so fast.

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Nap

Things I have tried in the last hour to get my kid to nap because he is obviously miserable:
Nursing
White noise
Laying him in crib
Laying in cosleeper
Swaddling
Back patting
Standing in a corner so he has less stimuli
Standing in the pitch black closet
Singing to him in the pitch black closet

Looks like we may have a winner in nursing round 3. Now to try to put him down….

We ordered “the no cry sleep solution” book. It comes tomorrow. It will work miracles, right?

Conversation shift

I was chatting with Shawnsandcade today and she asked if we wanted more kids. I gave her my standard answer: I don’t know. We were adamant to be one and done and now it’s one and maybe. We talk both ways about it and I feel Lesley is more adamantly against it that I am but I’m not pushing for it, either.

Later, as we were driving around while August slept in the car, I told Lesley about the conversation. Her response what surprising.

“I’d love another kid.”

Uh… What? I didn’t have to decide because Lesley didn’t want another! But now it’s out there. We both agreed that we may be good with one; we may not. There are some logistical issues: our house is too small to comfortably house a family of four. Our donor is sold out. How the hell would we afford another child? Do I really want to breastfeed for four straight years?

So for now the idea is just out there. We agreed to try to make a decision around Gus’ birthday. Our consumer debt will be paid off then and I get a raise around then. We’ll keep talking and see where we’re at.

But two is it. Two and done.

The worst day

Last night we were suppose to have friends over for dinner and games. I got out of work at noon, picked up the boy, ran errands, and headed home to try to get the house in order. Gus was in a great mood during errands and quite cooperative but things changed when we got home.

This boy won’t nap for me. He just refuses. What this means is he’s fussy and clingy and generally unhappy but won’t go to sleep. This meant I could get nothing done at home- no progress on the house, no lunch for myself, nothing. An hour before our friends were going to come I left Gus by himself in his crib with some toys (because I could no longer stand to look at him) while I sat on the kitchen floor with a bag of lunch meat and cried. I canceled plans.

It was a bad day. My worst. I told Lesley I can’t do this; I never should have been a mom. I tried to figure out if I could financially support them and afford a small apartment. I knew I couldn’t keep doing this.

But I did and I do. I continue because I love them and they are my family. I continue because I chose this life and do not regret it. I’ll try to do better. To be less frustrated. To be a better mom. Today Gus to ONE 45 minute nap but it was easier. He was happy and okay with spending 5 hours at the car dealership. He went to bed early and sure, will most likely be up all night but that’s okay. Tomorrow is my hard day – Lesley works and has hockey so it’s just me and the baby. But you know what? We’ll be okay. He won’t nap and I will cry but we’ll survive and someday it will get better.

Time

I’ve never had a particularly good memory. Short term stuff I am good at but long term has always been iffy. Since giving birth short term is gone too.

This has become very hard. I’m not remembering to pay bills. I am forgetting to do stuff at work. While I try to hold it together I rate my overall life performance at sub par. I don’t know why this is. Lack of sleep? Lack of brain space? Hormones? Whatever the cause is I desperately need a solution.

So work is hard and life is hard but mommy hood is hard, too. I feel like I don’t remember Gus a week ago, let alone five months ago. I can’t picture him being tiny. We didn’t take enough pictures of him as a newborn. We took no family newborn pictures. We never got his hand or foot print. I haven’t written enough (any) in the baby book. I feel like I’ve forgotten the first days. I feel so guilty for not enjoying them more. I feel guilty that I’m not savoring every day more. He’s growing and changing and I have no idea what last week was like. I want to remember it all but can’t.