Back to reality

I am writing this from my desk. My desk in my office across town. I am currently 4.45 miles away from Gus, on hour 7.5 of day two. This, my friends, this sucks.

There seems to be this belief that if you want to return to work you want to leave your child. That is not true. I want to work but my heart breaks about leaving him. I realized last night that it’s not the day that is the worst, it’s the night. It’s leaving work to pick him up, getting him, going home, and having a max of two hours before bedtime. Last night he fell asleep early so it was a bit less. We could always keep him up later but honestly he sleeps well and goes to sleep by 8 o’clock. I feel there will come points where I am so grateful for this so don’t want to screw it up. And from 8 to 9 I do dinner dishes, throw in a load of laundry, and fall asleep myself.

His sitter is amazing. He is there on Monday, Wednesday, and half day on Friday. We are lucky that Lesley is home Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and I am working half days on Fridays so he is only in care two full days. We are currently piecing together Tuesday mornings and Tracy over at is going to watch him Thursday mornings. I am pleased with the care he is getting and know he is well loved and snuggled when away from me.

The only problem is the bottle. We have Dr. Brown’s Natural Flow bottles and I really want him to like them and he does not. Yesterday he ate two 4 ounce bottles in the morning (which is good and a lot!) but nothing after noon. I tried not to stress because yes, he should have eaten more but he ate and was okay. Today, when Lesley picked him up from friends at 12:30 he had eaten 2.5 ounces since I dropped him off at 6:45. Not enough. Les took him home and gave him one of the bottles that came with my pump. 2.5 ounces instantly and asleep. So now we decide – try a bigger nipple of the Dr. Brown’s or try new bottles. I know it is crazy of me but I don’t want to switch to plastic bottles from glass but I also do not want my kid to starve. So tonight we will get new nipples and go from there. He can gulp milk from a plastic bag at this point and I’d be happy.

So besides bottle woes that leave me stressed and sad, he sleeps a lot when out of our care. I don’t know what that’s about. I also am not sure what a lot is. Our friend who had him this morning tracked everything so I will see when I get home. I feel like he just gets sad and sleeps until we come back which breaks my tiny heart. He is such a great and happy boy, I just want other people to see that and think so, too.

Also, have you ever worked a job where you took every break allotted to you? Because I have not and now I spend my breaks pumping in my office and schedule clients around my boobs. It is strange. I don’t feel weird about pumping at work, I feel weird about making time to do so.

Anyway, sorry this is disjointed. I’m at work and sad and just want to be with my baby. How could I not?


Posted on December 30, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. That face!!! I hope your transition back to work isn’t too horrible! But it sounds very nice that your schedules allow for not a ton of time in childcare

  2. Aww, will you kill me if i say it gets better? It really does šŸ™‚
    So do your friends who wayched him not have much experience with babies or something? August sounds like a dream compared to a lot of babies, including my own!

    • No, this might be the one time I need to hear it gets better! Our friends actually have a ton of experience with babies but they watched a friends baby two years ago and still talk about how high maintenance he was. They’ve got the seasoned mom know that makes me feel like we’re doing everything wrong.

      • He is thriving, sleeps well, and seems mostly happy so you must be doing something right! It’s hard since we are all sensitive about our parenting, but just ignore the unwanted advice. Most parenting things are personal preference and opinions anyway, we all do what works for our families.

  3. He’s a cutie! And, of course, I will also say “It gets better” which is so cliche and I wanted to punch people who said that to me, but it really does get better. Hang in there, this kid sounds like a great baby – sleeps well, happy, snuggly. I think you got a champ on your hands!

  4. Aww, the bottle thing is no fun at all. Darwin went off it entirely when she had a cold at the beginning of December, it was awful. Do I understand correctly that he’ll take the Medela nipples more happily? If so, we found that the Evenflo glass bottles fit the Medela nipples/rings!

  5. I’ll join the “it gets better” chorus, it really does šŸ™‚ My little guy protested his bottle for about the first month at daycare (he also only goes two full days). Our pediatrician told us not to stress too much, that he would make up for it by nursing more at home. Eventually, he came around.

  6. I wonder if he might reverse-cycle, with the whole bottle-ignoring and extra sleeping while you’re gone. Kind of early to tell, and maybe he’ll be happy with a bottle in a couple of days or weeks.

    Our nephew reverse-cycled though, and it worked out fine for them. Laura’s sister teaches, so she’s gone 9-10 hours/day during the week. When her maternity leave ended & she went back to work, her 3 month old pretty much refused to take a bottle. I don’t remember if they got him to take a small amount every day or if his caretaker brought him to her school so she could nurse him during her lunch break, or what (it was 3 years ago). But I remember her talking about it and how he ended up doing most/all of his nursing during the night. No clue if he eventually reverted and took a bottle, nor if it messed with his nighttime sleeping at all or if he just dreamfed. Regardless, he’s a happy & healthy 3 year old today and had a great nursing relationship until he weaned at 2 1/2.

    But *hugs*, you did great for your first day back! Any chance that your sitter can bring him to you for your lunchbreak on those 2 full days?

    P.S. I’m pretty sure your friends liked him. How could they not? He is a wonderfully chubby, adorable, perfect lil’ babe! Do they have babies/kids of their own? If not, maybe they were just nervous? I know I was kind of nervous/hesitant around other people’s babies before I had my own to keep alive. Babies don’t really do a lot at that age, so it can feel awkward to interact with them (especially without a lot of previous experience). But I understand the feeling, I want others (especially people I care about) to know how incredible my kiddos are, which doesn’t feel like it happens if one of them is fussy or cranky or just not interested in interacting with new-ish adults.

    • That’s interesting about the reverse cycle. So far he is still sleeping just the same at night. Lesley did get him to eat a total of six ounces yesterday afternoon and then I nursed through the evening. I used to be worried about him being on a schedule or not nursing all the time but now I will nurse him whenever he wants when I am home. Lesley can bring him here so that is definitely something we are looking at, too. The sitter lives not far so if I needed to I could run there on my lunch break and nurse him, too. He’s done around 8 ounces each day so while that is not as much as I would hope he’s not going to starve on it (yet). it just needs to keep improving.

      I’m sure our friends like him, too. They are very experienced moms but I don’t know… I just expected them to like him more. Maybe because I didn’t expect for me to like him so much so I don’t understand why everyone else doesn’t feel the same way? But you are exactly right – I just want everyone to see how incredible he is and when he is having an off moment I worry that we leave and people are like, “Phew, thank goodness that is not my kid” when that isn’t who he really is.

  7. Tough transition. In my own experience, the big grins when I got when I came home were almost worth the sadness of leaving. I hope you find a good balance soon.

  8. A real seasoned mom would not judge you. A seasoned mom knows that babies are fickle and temperamental and what works for one won’t work for all and you are doing the best that you know how. Cut yourself some slack. Being a parent is hard.

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