19 days left.
I do not want to be a stay at home mom. I’ve always suspected that would be the case but I am now 100% confident.
I have 19 days left of maternity leave. Yes, it is going to be hard for me to leave August but I really can’t do this any longer. I feel resentful when Lesley leaves everyday. I want to leave, too. I want to have time away and be able to interact with other people and come home and enjoy my son.
Today the boy has been especially fussy. Since waking 5 hours ago the longest he has slept was 18 minutes. Most of the rest of the time has been him screaming for an unknown (to me) reason. In the 18 minutes I showered. Today was slated to be the second day with the babysitter. The first day she came while I was home (hiding in the bedroom) last week. The plan today was for Lesley to work a half day and we were going to go to lunch and a movie.
I got out of the shower to a text from the sitter saying she woke up with a stuffy nose. Lesley and I debated but decided it would be best for her not to come today. So today, on the first day we planned to get out alone together, it’s a no go. We have one more arranged sitter day before I go back and on that day I have a meeting and dentist appointment.
I feel trapped. I feel like I am home trying to clean up after everyone all the time. I feel lonely and isolated and then guilty that I am not savoring this more. I feel like a terrible mom for wanting to go back to work and then I take all these feelings and realize this is what it feels like to be a mom.