19 days left.

I do not want to be a stay at home mom. I’ve always suspected that would be the case but I am now 100% confident.

I have 19 days left of maternity leave. Yes, it is going to be hard for me to leave August but I really can’t do this any longer. I feel resentful when Lesley leaves everyday. I want to leave, too. I want to have time away and be able to interact with other people and come home and enjoy my son.

Today the boy has been especially fussy. Since waking 5 hours ago the longest he has slept was 18 minutes. Most of the rest of the time has been him screaming for an unknown (to me) reason. In the 18 minutes I showered. Today was slated to be the second day with the babysitter. The first day she came while I was home (hiding in the bedroom) last week. The plan today was for Lesley to work a half day and we were going to go to lunch and a movie.

I got out of the shower to a text from the sitter saying she woke up with a stuffy nose. Lesley and I debated but decided it would be best for her not to come today. So today, on the first day we planned to get out alone together, it’s a no go. We have one more arranged sitter day before I go back and on that day I have a meeting and dentist appointment.

I feel trapped. I feel like I am home trying to clean up after everyone all the time. I feel lonely and isolated and then guilty that I am not savoring this more. I feel like a terrible mom for wanting to go back to work and then I take all these feelings and realize this is what it feels like to be a mom.

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Posted on December 10, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. That’s a bummer, those outings without the kid are needed sometimes. I’ve thought before that we need a second maternity leave when the baby is like 6 months when you can enjoy him/her more. Although there are some magical moments in the newborn phase, most of it is spent just trying to survive…

  2. I think stay at home mommies work way harder than us moms who work outside the home.

  3. It really does take a different type of person. Everything you’re feeling is honest and true and it’s nice you acknowledge it. Don’t feel guilty. Sometimes, I feel like my whole day of parenting is nothing more than an unpaid job with zero benefits and too many screaming toddlers. It can be very isolating and mind numbing. I’m glad you’ll be going back to work soonish so you can have a bit of your autonomy back. Taking care of yourself is just as important and will make you feel like the really awesome mother you are! Hoping you find a little more adult conversation and some rest and peace these next nineteen days!

  4. You sound exactly like my wife. Being a stay at home mom is a lot more awesome in theory sometimes than in actuality.

  5. Don’t you feel guilty about your feelings. I have told people from the beginning that I am not a stay at home mom for a reason! I can’t do it. I love my kid, but she’s going on three and she’s tiny toddler terrorist most days. I do not envy my wife one bit! LOL.

  6. It’s good that you had suspected this before August was born, at least it wasn’t a total shock! MamaLee talks about being a stay-at-home mama, but I suspect she would very quickly change her mind once the reality sunk in.

    • Yeah, you never really know until you are doing it. I had the opposite happen, it never crossed my mind to be a stay at home mom, I really loved my job (and I love money), but I went back to work for about 6 weeks before deciding I couldn’t do it.

  7. Preach! 🙂 Being alone all day with a baby (slash toddler, slash combination) is hard. Isolating. Crazy-making. Especially a newborn! And then they have the gall to grow and change so quickly that you feel awful about having those totally understandable thoughts & feelings.

    I remember the trapped feeling well, an itchy feeling of wanting to escape for a bit so I could fully be my own person without anyone attached to my breast. It was so necessary for me to have many, many opportunities to get out and do my own thing, out in the real world with adult interaction.

    I currently work as little part time as we can financially get away with. And yet, even now, even though I long to be a full-time SAHM, there are days when I look at the clock a million times, silently counting down the hours until Laura gets home and I can tap out if needed. The last couple of hours are always the hardest for me.

    Laura felt more like you do about it all. That works very well for us, as she has no desire to stop working full time and doesn’t resent the sacrifices we make so I can be home with the kids as much as possible (which I didn’t think I’d want before I birthed R). She’s been there, stayed home for 4 months when W was born, and felt to a tee like you described. Which makes her not a terrible mom, but an awesome mom, because it makes her a better wife who “gets it”. She knows how much tedious grunt work is involved (aka the ever-cleaning of somethings or someones) and is amazed when there’s a meal ready to eat when she gets home – and is completely understanding & helpful when there isn’t (aka the majority of the time).

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