Monthly Archives: December 2014
I am writing this from my desk. My desk in my office across town. I am currently 4.45 miles away from Gus, on hour 7.5 of day two. This, my friends, this sucks.
There seems to be this belief that if you want to return to work you want to leave your child. That is not true. I want to work but my heart breaks about leaving him. I realized last night that it’s not the day that is the worst, it’s the night. It’s leaving work to pick him up, getting him, going home, and having a max of two hours before bedtime. Last night he fell asleep early so it was a bit less. We could always keep him up later but honestly he sleeps well and goes to sleep by 8 o’clock. I feel there will come points where I am so grateful for this so don’t want to screw it up. And from 8 to 9 I do dinner dishes, throw in a load of laundry, and fall asleep myself.
His sitter is amazing. He is there on Monday, Wednesday, and half day on Friday. We are lucky that Lesley is home Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and I am working half days on Fridays so he is only in care two full days. We are currently piecing together Tuesday mornings and Tracy over at is going to watch him Thursday mornings. I am pleased with the care he is getting and know he is well loved and snuggled when away from me.
The only problem is the bottle. We have Dr. Brown’s Natural Flow bottles and I really want him to like them and he does not. Yesterday he ate two 4 ounce bottles in the morning (which is good and a lot!) but nothing after noon. I tried not to stress because yes, he should have eaten more but he ate and was okay. Today, when Lesley picked him up from friends at 12:30 he had eaten 2.5 ounces since I dropped him off at 6:45. Not enough. Les took him home and gave him one of the bottles that came with my pump. 2.5 ounces instantly and asleep. So now we decide – try a bigger nipple of the Dr. Brown’s or try new bottles. I know it is crazy of me but I don’t want to switch to plastic bottles from glass but I also do not want my kid to starve. So tonight we will get new nipples and go from there. He can gulp milk from a plastic bag at this point and I’d be happy.
So besides bottle woes that leave me stressed and sad, he sleeps a lot when out of our care. I don’t know what that’s about. I also am not sure what a lot is. Our friend who had him this morning tracked everything so I will see when I get home. I feel like he just gets sad and sleeps until we come back which breaks my tiny heart. He is such a great and happy boy, I just want other people to see that and think so, too.
Also, have you ever worked a job where you took every break allotted to you? Because I have not and now I spend my breaks pumping in my office and schedule clients around my boobs. It is strange. I don’t feel weird about pumping at work, I feel weird about making time to do so.
So, the night after my last post Gus slept an obscene amount that I will not disclose here because I know some of you are having rougher nights than we are. Things are always a little better after enough sleep and once the disappointment of losing our date day passed. I still stand by what I said, I’m not cut out to stay at home but I do want to enjoy these last few days with him. I know that once I go back it will be harder than I imagine.
Yesterday we had our two month pediatrician visit. I don’t know if I mentioned this before but the pediatrician we picked that we saw when he was two weeks old left her position so we had to pick a new one. We say the physicians assistant yesterday and we really liked her, which is good. Gus is 14 pounds, 9 ounces and 24.5 inches long. He’s 85th percentile for height and weight. It was nice to see since everyone acts like he is giant – there are kids bigger than him! We finished up his Christmas pictures last night so we can get them printed tonight as we hope to get packages out to our families tomorrow. Since I don’t want family to see them I am not posting them anywhere until Christmas but you all get a sneak peak! Here they are:
I do not want to be a stay at home mom. I’ve always suspected that would be the case but I am now 100% confident.
I have 19 days left of maternity leave. Yes, it is going to be hard for me to leave August but I really can’t do this any longer. I feel resentful when Lesley leaves everyday. I want to leave, too. I want to have time away and be able to interact with other people and come home and enjoy my son.
Today the boy has been especially fussy. Since waking 5 hours ago the longest he has slept was 18 minutes. Most of the rest of the time has been him screaming for an unknown (to me) reason. In the 18 minutes I showered. Today was slated to be the second day with the babysitter. The first day she came while I was home (hiding in the bedroom) last week. The plan today was for Lesley to work a half day and we were going to go to lunch and a movie.
I got out of the shower to a text from the sitter saying she woke up with a stuffy nose. Lesley and I debated but decided it would be best for her not to come today. So today, on the first day we planned to get out alone together, it’s a no go. We have one more arranged sitter day before I go back and on that day I have a meeting and dentist appointment.
I feel trapped. I feel like I am home trying to clean up after everyone all the time. I feel lonely and isolated and then guilty that I am not savoring this more. I feel like a terrible mom for wanting to go back to work and then I take all these feelings and realize this is what it feels like to be a mom.
Tomorrow August will be two months old. I can’t believe it- it feels simultaneously so quick and so long.
I feel like we’re getting in the swing of things. Once I realized he works in two hour cycles everything became easier. He eats, smiles, fusses, sleeps. Then we start over. Lately he’s been having trouble nursing because he can’t stop smiling at me. It’s so hard because it warms my heart and I can’t help but smile backs which just eggs him on.
We created a bedtime routine we start nightly at 7 and he’s out by 8. I can transfer him to his bed (a cosleeper connected to our bed) and he sleeps fine. Lately he’s only up twice a night and will go back to sleep in the cosleeper assuming I don’t fall asleep with him on me. I feel extremely fortunate. This week we’re starting getting up and dressed early to take Lesley to work so he’ll be used to it when I go back at the end of the month.
I’m excited to go back to work and also dread leaving him. His childcare provider is coming Wednesday to watch him while I’m home to start the adjustment. The two weeks after that she’s going to watch him for a few hours while I leave. Next week while she watches him Lesley and I are going to go to lunch and a movie- I’m really excited about that.
Here are a few recent pictures to make up for the boring update. 🙂