Blue Flashing Lights

I never update because I keep waiting for a time when I have two hands and that’s so rare. For now, August is sleeping in his co sleeper so you are going to get a disjointed update on my phone. I ask you forgive the stream on consciousness and typos.

First, August. Man I love this kid. We have good and bad days. We’ve struggled to correct what looked like a milk imbalance. Fixed some of the issues, not all. I went off dairy. Fixed more, not all. At this point it looks like his baby guts need a bit more work so we started him on probiotics. That’s working great so far. Still needs some work but my boy is much happier unless he struggles with gas then he screams in pain which breaks both my heart and eardrums.
He’s a chunk and at 6 weeks weighed in at 12 pounds, 6 ounces. He has this crinkle book he loves and he smiles at the page with the apple and at the cover where it has a little mirror. We have started a bedtime routine and he goes down pretty easily. One day I’m going to put him in his co sleeper and leave the room. One day.

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Me: I dream about work every night. I miss it and can’t wait to go back yet cry every time I think about leaving him. We figured out our childcare situation and while it’s different than we planned we’re both really happy with it. A mama we know is going to watch him most days and twomamasonebaby is going to do a little bit. The main provider has a school aged child so he’ll get a lot of one on one attention. The mama doing it is going to watch him a few hours once a week in Dec to help me ease into it (I go back to work Dec 29th). This gives me time to go to the dentist, get my hair cut, and have a lunch date with Lesley.
I love this kid but if I had to pick one word to describe parenting it would be isolating. Very few people we thought would be there for us are and fair enough- they didn’t chose to have a baby. Our friends with kids have their own families to deal with and our friends without kids have lives. I’ve learned so much about how to be helpful to new moms and feel bad for mom friends that I didn’t know how to help before he was born. I’m saddened by the lack of mom comradery. In some ways I suppose it’s my fault and I could ask for more help but I just thought it would come. It doesn’t. I spend most days on the couch with my kid. I’m trying to get out more but have no where to go. It’s now rainy and cold so I worry about taking him out. There’s a group that does mama baby walks but if I’m going for a four mile walk I should really take the dog and he doesn’t love groups. Also, I feel weird about connecting with people on weekdays because I won’t be able to maintain that. I want to get back to work then figure out our groove.
There’s a song by a band, Travis, called Blue Flashing Lights. It’s about a kid who comes home to their drunk abusive dad all the time and their friends all are out but no one ever calls them. Since I was roughly 16 that song has played in my head when I’ve felt alone. When I was a teenager I used to drive this back road route when I was upset (which was often) with that song playing. Now I hear it in my head all the time. I feel like my life stopped and everyone else kept going. I feel forgotten.
I know that sounds dramatic but I really think those with kids will get it and those about to have kids will soon understand. And Mondays are hard. Lesley works and has hockey on both Sundays and Mondays. Last night she was home but tired so went to bed when A did while I did dishes. Today she was home for just a few hours. Tuesdays are better. She gets home at noon. I’ll get to talk to an adult and won’t so every diaper change in a 24 hour period. We can get some things done and maybe once he falls asleep we can put him down in the bedroom then watch a movie. I only have six weeks left home with him. It breaks my heart but at the same time I’m excited for the biggest accomplishment of the day to not be “I watched Princess Diaries 2”.

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Posted on November 18, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. No one tells you how isolating new motherhood is. There is a permanent indent on the couch from my butt the first 3 months lol. I stayed in with him all day yesterday b/c of the yucky weather and it was really tough. Getting out is so important when you can do it. I know for us we didn’t do it too much before 3 months because he would scream and it was too stressful. Try the mom walk, leave the dog guilt behind, see how it goes. I’ve been able to stay connected with my new mom friends on FB since going back to work and occasionally we schedule afterwork/weekend things. It’s always worth a try— I joke that I collect new mom friends.

  2. Oh yes, the loneliness is bad! I’ll never regret staying home with Ali, but this last year has really challenged me and has redefined a lot of friendships. I wish our culture were…friendlier, not sure if that’s the right word. Two of my neighbors that I don’t really know except by sight had babies this summer. I’ve thought about going over to visit them a million times, but it would probably be way too weird.

    • Go visit the neighbors! I’m sure even just the reaching out would be nice. I have a high school friend I am not close with email me and a few other pregnant women we know (she has a 9 month old) saying we could contact her anytime. I haven’t because that’s not my style but knowing she gets it made me feel less like it’s just me.

  3. Boy, do I feel you on the isolation. I posted about this on another blog I have recently. Basically, I still wish for to volunteer to come over and keep me company some days, even for an hour. Hold Declan while I shower or run to the store. NONE of my coworkers have stopped by despite saying they want to and me repeatedly telling them to. I only realty have one other person in town who I’d consider a close friend and she is both too wrapped up in her own shit and doesn’t seem to care one bit about babies/Declan. Yeah. It’s super isolating. And I feel the same about the weather now – it’s so cold out, I’m reluctant to take him out of the house (we’re skipping the mama/baby walk this morning). Ugh. It’s all so hard. I’m simultaneously the most happy I’ve ever been and the most miserable.

  4. Look at that face!He’s such a chubba, I love it! And i’m sorry you’ve been feeling so isolated. I can only imagine how much that myst really suck! I have some concerns too about being the first of our friends to have kids (and two at that!) and how it will affect our pretty active social lives. I hope that making mommy friends will help you with that.

  5. First, he’s so alert and handsome and his face. I just can’t with that face, he is such a beautiful baby. Truly.

    Second, hoping the probiotics continue to help alleviate his pains and glad to hear you’re finding a few things that being about some relief. One day, you’ll definitely put him in the co-sleeper and walk away. And it’ll feel like the very next day that he’s singing the ABCs while he brushes his teeth and you’re checking for monsters under his bed and tucking his sweet face in under a comforter that should seem too big for your s boy except it’s actually not too big at all. Then you’ll cry. (Not that I know anything about any of that. At all. Never.)

    As for isolating? Yes. Actually, that might be the most honest description for many, many mothers. It’s six a hard reality when the people who understand the most (other parents) are usually overwhelmed with their own child/ren. I wish parenting looked like the 1950s (a more progressive 1950s…) but today’s reality isn’t at all like that. The people who understand me the most usually live thousands of miles away and don’t even know my real name. It can e both wonderful and maddening. You are not alone.

    I remember when I first stayed home with Thatcher and I was so, so bored. I was like, I guess I could, um, read more baby board books? It wasn’t very rewarding and I really had to actively find a way to be engaged. (Still have to do this almost four years later.) I started making small goals each day and feeling somewhat accomplished by their completion. (Watching The Princess Diaries Two would have made the list. Love it!) ๐Ÿ™‚ We did lot of “browsing” the mall, book stores, and watched a lot of baseball together.

    Hang in there. One of the better things about parenting (and also, one of the worst) is how much it changes. Hoping getting back to work, finding a new routine, and spending extra time on you and with your wife gives you a more tangible line to the “outside world”.

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