Blue Flashing Lights
I never update because I keep waiting for a time when I have two hands and that’s so rare. For now, August is sleeping in his co sleeper so you are going to get a disjointed update on my phone. I ask you forgive the stream on consciousness and typos.
First, August. Man I love this kid. We have good and bad days. We’ve struggled to correct what looked like a milk imbalance. Fixed some of the issues, not all. I went off dairy. Fixed more, not all. At this point it looks like his baby guts need a bit more work so we started him on probiotics. That’s working great so far. Still needs some work but my boy is much happier unless he struggles with gas then he screams in pain which breaks both my heart and eardrums.
He’s a chunk and at 6 weeks weighed in at 12 pounds, 6 ounces. He has this crinkle book he loves and he smiles at the page with the apple and at the cover where it has a little mirror. We have started a bedtime routine and he goes down pretty easily. One day I’m going to put him in his co sleeper and leave the room. One day.
Me: I dream about work every night. I miss it and can’t wait to go back yet cry every time I think about leaving him. We figured out our childcare situation and while it’s different than we planned we’re both really happy with it. A mama we know is going to watch him most days and twomamasonebaby is going to do a little bit. The main provider has a school aged child so he’ll get a lot of one on one attention. The mama doing it is going to watch him a few hours once a week in Dec to help me ease into it (I go back to work Dec 29th). This gives me time to go to the dentist, get my hair cut, and have a lunch date with Lesley.
I love this kid but if I had to pick one word to describe parenting it would be isolating. Very few people we thought would be there for us are and fair enough- they didn’t chose to have a baby. Our friends with kids have their own families to deal with and our friends without kids have lives. I’ve learned so much about how to be helpful to new moms and feel bad for mom friends that I didn’t know how to help before he was born. I’m saddened by the lack of mom comradery. In some ways I suppose it’s my fault and I could ask for more help but I just thought it would come. It doesn’t. I spend most days on the couch with my kid. I’m trying to get out more but have no where to go. It’s now rainy and cold so I worry about taking him out. There’s a group that does mama baby walks but if I’m going for a four mile walk I should really take the dog and he doesn’t love groups. Also, I feel weird about connecting with people on weekdays because I won’t be able to maintain that. I want to get back to work then figure out our groove.
There’s a song by a band, Travis, called Blue Flashing Lights. It’s about a kid who comes home to their drunk abusive dad all the time and their friends all are out but no one ever calls them. Since I was roughly 16 that song has played in my head when I’ve felt alone. When I was a teenager I used to drive this back road route when I was upset (which was often) with that song playing. Now I hear it in my head all the time. I feel like my life stopped and everyone else kept going. I feel forgotten.
I know that sounds dramatic but I really think those with kids will get it and those about to have kids will soon understand. And Mondays are hard. Lesley works and has hockey on both Sundays and Mondays. Last night she was home but tired so went to bed when A did while I did dishes. Today she was home for just a few hours. Tuesdays are better. She gets home at noon. I’ll get to talk to an adult and won’t so every diaper change in a 24 hour period. We can get some things done and maybe once he falls asleep we can put him down in the bedroom then watch a movie. I only have six weeks left home with him. It breaks my heart but at the same time I’m excited for the biggest accomplishment of the day to not be “I watched Princess Diaries 2”.