To donor family or not to donor family
When I first got pregnant I signed us up on the donor sibling registry through our sperm bank. My intention in this was not to connect with other families but to make sure I had all the information that our child would someday want. I didn’t think much of it because we were the only folks signed up despite our donor having other pregnancies.
If you’ve read here for a while (and can keep all your ttc/pregnancy blogs straight) you know that we started using donors who would want to stay anonymous and switched to ones who were open to communication when our child turns 18. We made this change because we felt our child should have that choice and we have no right to make it for them. We made that choice hoping that int he next 18 years the donor changes his mind and does not want communication and we can say, “Whelp, we tried!”.
I use our sperm bank’s forum but do not list who our donor is. One family who was pregnant with him figured it out from a post I made (and simple math) and I edited that post. Shortly after they contacted me they had a miscarriage so there was no need to figure out how to reply.
There are now two families on the donor sibling registry (I checked last week). Today, I was contacted by one of them. I already did as intense as an internet stalking as I could and she seems lovely – a single professional woman out east. Her email was very nice- she understands that this is a personal journey for everyone but wants to know if we want to connect. I forwarded it on to Lesley but my brother and his boys are still here so we won’t have a chance to talk about it fully for a few days.
I’m not sure where I stand on this issue. I don’t want to look at pictures of someone else’s kid and look for similar features. I don’t want to recognize someone else as their sibling even if that is the biological reality of it. I want our child to be OUR child and while I know there is this other component, I don’t know how to face it.
I find myself very protective of Lesley in situations like this. I want her to not feel slighted by recognizing this other part. As usual, she expresses no concern over that but I worry.
I know many of you have used known donors. For those of you who did not, how did you/do you plan to handle this? Do you want contact with other families from your donor? What level of contact do you have? How do non gestational parents feel about this? I welcome your opinions if you used a known donor, too. 🙂 I’m trying to wrap my head around things before Lesley and I talk about how to respond.