Monthly Archives: September 2014

Goodbye due date.

My due date has officially come and gone and I’m still pregnant. I’m more uncomfortable in the past few days than I have been my entire pregnancy and emotionally pretty down.

My mom is here until Friday. What if the baby doesn’t come by then? The thought of that makes me feel a little sick.

When baby is late you have plenty of time to examine how little you want to give birth. I just need to get this over with.



39 + 2

The next person who asks me when I am having this baby is getting punched.

Being super pregnant is kind of like being told that sometime in the next week (give or take) you are going to get shot. It’s going to really hurt and you have no idea when it is going to happen and you just keep living your life waiting for it to happen.

It’s not the excitement to give birth (duh) or the excitement to actually have our baby here – it’s the anticipation that kills me. I have no idea what is going to happen and when. Yes, I have some general ideas about what will happen when I go into labor but I don’t know how it will look for me. People ask if I am having any signs of labor. You know what I think a sign of being in labor will be? BEING IN LABOR. I think it might be different if you are not on your first child because you can say, “Oh, before Child A was born I felt like ____ for a few days” or something like that. I have no frame of reference for this.

Waiting is so terrible. Our midwife kept telling me to keep busy and we did nothing but clean this weekend. The good news is I think if we have this whole week all the projects will be done. The bad news is I spend a lot of time stressing. I have started to wonder: 1) What happens if I go into labor and midwife is at another birth (I know there is someone else in the community using her for their second child who is somewhere around 37 weeks.)? I will ask this Wednesday. 2) What happens if my water breaks and I don’t really know it and then contractions don’t start? (I used to think this was impossible but now no longer believe that.) 3) Is baby moving enough? What if something is wrong?

I’m having braxton hicks about 45 minutes apart (I timed them all day on Saturday). They don’t hurt but are sometimes noticeable. Unfortunately, that’s not really a sign of labor because, you know, it is not BEING IN LABOR.

39 weeks

I’m not going to lie, every day I wake up not in labor I am disappointed.

An exchange of souls

This morning as we were getting ready Lesley decided that she would ride her bike to work as it would buy us a few more minutes in bed (she has to be at work much earlier than me – normally I just go early but today I could walk the dog and get gas and go in a bit later). As she was leaving I told her not to die on her 2 mile bike ride. I often worry about her any time she leaves the house and especially on bike. But now it feels more urgent to express that she should not die. She said she would do her best but maybe that’s what needs to happen – in order for our child to arrive someone needs to leave. There is only room for so many souls and that’s why this baby isn’t here yet.

Lesley made it to work just fine and will likely make it home fine as well. Her soul is spared and will be around to take care of our child. But my grandfather’s will not. I got a call from my dad today that they are giving my grandpa days to live. This is not a huge surprise. He is 92 and in a nursing home receiving hospice care. He has dementia that has gotten worse over the past year. Around Memorial Day my grandma said he had to go into a care facility. He was too much for her to handle. We saw him around that time and I understand why. He threatened one of my cousins with a fire poker. He didn’t know what was going on. He had not been himself for a long time.

Since going to the nursing home he has declined rapidly. He is highly medicated and for good reason. He was kicked out of nursing home one when he bit a staff member. He’s had some falls that have hurt him physically and now is completely out of it. My dad was told yesterday that he had maybe a month – the next step would be that he stops eating. Shortly after that conversation with a nurse he stopped eating.

Despite being raised Catholic I am not religious. I know logically that my grandfather is not living a life he would want to live. I know that he is 92. I know it’s time. But my religious upbringing makes death hard for me. It’s the part of religion I hold on to – the idea of the after life that I don’t believe in. I struggle knowing that whenever this happens we will be unable to fly 3,000 miles for a funeral. I struggle to not be with my family now. I struggle with not seeing him, even though in May I struggled so much with seeing him as someone different.

So here I sit, waiting for labor to start and hoping with all my might it comes soon because I currently feel like there is an 8 pound mass pushing on my pelvis. And here I sit, waiting for a phone call that my grandpa has died. And right now, in my mind, I believe that these two are cosmically related in a way that brings me so much sadness and so much peace.

Maternity pictures and such

38 weeks and then some. I am now 12 days away from my due date – holy smokes. I’m ready for baby to come and feel like I am losing some of my stress about how much needs to be done. It will either get done or not and that’s that. This is the first week since Lesley changed her schedule months ago that it will go according to plan and she’ll be home at noon Tuesday and Thursday – hopefully that means that things will keep moving along. I had a late client tonight who didn’t show up so while she is at hockey I am using my time updating my blog and then putting away laundry. Things will get done or they won’t. I’m working on accepting that.

Symptom wise things look like this: My foot swelling went down drastically so that’s a major plus. Heartburn, I was told, was supposed to go down and never did. I am quite uncomfortable. I have a lot of pain in my pelvis and have had a dull pain in the right side of it for the last couple of hours. About twice a day something happens where I say, “Oh, that hurts”. but nothing too consistent. When we saw our midwife last week she said that everything looks good to be any time now – baby is dropped and ready. I’d like to make it a bit closer to the end of the week but am ready to have this baby.

A friend took some maternity photos this weekend. She’s the same friend who did the pictures for twomamsonebaby. Here are some of my favorites. The belly one wasn’t from the photo shoot but she took it the day before when we were canning salsa. Here they are!

To donor family or not to donor family

When I first got pregnant I signed us up on the donor sibling registry through our sperm bank. My intention in this was not to connect with other families but to make sure I had all the information that our child would someday want. I didn’t think much of it because we were the only folks signed up despite our donor having other pregnancies.

If you’ve read here for a while (and can keep all your ttc/pregnancy blogs straight) you know that we started using donors who would want to stay anonymous and switched to ones who were open to communication when our child turns 18. We made this change because we felt our child should have that choice and we have no right to make it for them. We made that choice hoping that int he next 18 years the donor changes his mind and does not want communication and we can say, “Whelp, we tried!”.

I use our sperm bank’s forum but do not list who our donor is. One family who was pregnant with him figured it out from a post I made (and simple math) and I edited that post. Shortly after they contacted me they had a miscarriage so there was no need to figure out how to reply.

There are now two families on the donor sibling registry (I checked last week). Today, I was contacted by one of them. I already did as intense as an internet stalking as I could and she seems lovely – a single professional woman out east. Her email was very nice- she understands that this is a personal journey for everyone but wants to know if we want to connect. I forwarded it on to Lesley but my brother and his boys are still here so we won’t have a chance to talk about it fully for a few days.

I’m not sure where I stand on this issue. I don’t want to look at pictures of someone else’s kid and look for similar features. I don’t want to recognize someone else as their sibling even if that is the biological reality of it. I want our child to be OUR child and while I know there is this other component, I don’t know how to face it.

I find myself very protective of Lesley in situations like this. I want her to not feel slighted by recognizing this other part. As usual, she expresses no concern over that but I worry.

I know many of you have used known donors. For those of you who did not, how did you/do you plan to handle this? Do you want contact with other families from your donor? What level of contact do you have? How do non gestational parents feel about this? I welcome your opinions if you used a known donor, too. 🙂 I’m trying to wrap my head around things before Lesley and I talk about how to respond.

A public service announcement

This is what 37 weeks looks like. Overnight I stopped fitting in my flip flops.


The hard parts of pregnancy.

I try really hard not to complain too much about pregnancy. I follow many people (and they follow me) who are trying to get pregnant and I’ve been there. I’ve read other’s whines and thought: When I get pregnant I am going to enjoy it and not complain. I follow many people (and they follow me) who are sick and struggling through pregnancy. I have had it fairly easy. No morning sickness, some heartburn, but no big problems. My midwife visits all go great and both ultrasounds showed no problems.

But you know what? Pregnancy is hard. Especially now but all around. The tiredness is probably the worst part. I wake up ready to go and get things done during the day but around 2 just can’t take it anymore. Being that I work 8-5 this is a problem because I can’t do much when I get home. During time periods where I felt good it was 95 degrees outside and being pregnant and hot is hard. I’m now 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I’ve had intense hip pain for the past few days (Note: if you get a dog at 36 weeks pregnant you should take some walks first because surprise, four walks a day is a little difficult). I am not comfortable anywhere. I am tired. I don’t sleep well. To roll over in bed I have to GET OUT OF BED and re-lay down in a different position. I can’t easily pick things up off the group. I can’t move the wet clothes to the dryer in our stackable washer and dryer.

Lesley is a saint. She is very helpful and tries to do a lot for me but she also works 40 hours a week. She deserves a break. She likes to go to bed with me which means that she is in bed at 9-9:30 as well. We have less than four weeks to go and the nursery is not done. The house is not clean. projects are half done everywhere. I’ve grown to accept it. Lesley was supposed to start working less now but she’s not great at it. Oh, and have I mentioned that my brother and his 2 year old and 4 year old and my sister and her new boyfriend are all coming into town this weekend? My sister only for a brief stay and not staying with us but my brothers and the boys are coming and staying with us Friday-Tuesday. That doesn’t add any extra stress…

The worst part for me is nagging her. I normally mow the lawn and clean the cat box. I can’t do either of those things. I help where I can but it’s just hard.

We have friends who have helped. Our friend B mowed our lawn during a particularly bad week and dropped off a lasagna she made this weekend when she accidentally made too much. Those kind of things are such a huge help.

There was an article floating around facebook a while ago about women looking for their “village”. Like in the sense that it takes a village and they can’t find theirs. I already feel this and we don’t have a kiddo here yet. I think of all my friends with kids. I wish I knew more to help them when they were pregnant. I wish I knew to do for someone what I want now. There’s so much talk about helping new moms but no talk about helping people who are trying to get ready for a baby and are completely overwhelmed by the amount of stuff they have to do.

For now, I hope this baby stays in until at least 9/25. My mom gets here on 9/23 and that’s really my only chance of having our floors washed before this baby comes.