The constant wonder

I love the internet and it’s ability to listen to our every thought and feeling. IN that though, sometimes I don’t know the true reason of that feeling until much later.

I feel like I have been whining about not getting baby gifts from family. I’ve been okay with accepting this but felt befuddled that people do not want to celebrate this baby as much as we do. But in reality, they do, and I know that.

I realized the lack of gifts has filled my head with doubt. I’m always defensive that people are secretly against us because we are gay. I assume most other same sex couples (or singles!) know this feeling. My cousin got married this weekend and we were not invited. I have a very close extended family so this is unusual. We got a save the date and announced the pregnancy shortly after that. In reality, we most likely weren’t invited because he knew we would not travel from across the country while I am 30 weeks pregnant and that was the only reason. But I can’t help but wonder – Was us being gay okay but being pregnant and gay just a bit too over the line?

I wonder these things all the time. I have a loving and supportive family but they are also full of gossip so are they just nice to our faces? Do they tell me they are excited about my pregnancy but really think what we are doing is wrong? It’s not gifts I am looking for but reassurance that our families are behind us. The thing is, when you are gay, even when you are 30 sometimes you still feel like an unsure 13 year old.

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Posted on July 21, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. I know exactly what you mean. Always in the back of my mind, I wonder if my extended family members are homophobic, or say things about me being gay behind my back. Or don’t invite me to things because I’m the gay one they are embarrassed of, etc….

  2. Homophobia sucks because it always makes us wonder if “IT” is the reason . . .I’m super sorry you’re in that spot. Any chance you have a trusted family member who you could ask? Like, ‘Hey, haven’t gotten word from folks about gifts/shower and don’t want to be an entitled jerk but . . .” kind of thing?

  3. My family is split down the middle 50/50 – half of them are supportive and absolutely love my wife. They consider her family as much as I am. The other sides, thankfully live in another state, are super religious and definitely think we are burning in hell. They disagree with our “lifestyle” but they still “love” us, just not our “sin”. My wife’s family is almost all supportive – it took her mom awhile (we started dating when she was 16, so understandable) her dad on the other hand is a hateful bigot. He told us my wife’s miscarriage was “taking care of something that wasn’t right in the first place” and didn’t even bother to call us when our son died at 20 weeks. Needless to say, he really isn’t family though, we do not talk to him. Her sister is pregnant right now and due in about 2 weeks, she lives at home with their dad and its hard to hear about them naming their child after him, when he looked at his other grandchildren as mistakes. It is rough to deal with, and honestly I think all gays deal with this a lot more than people think. “Did I not get that job because I mentioned I have a wife?” “Did she not add me on FB because she saw I’m gay?” These are all questions I’ve asked myself and I’ve learned to hell with all of those people!! My wife and I are madly in love, we are going to provide an AMAZING family for our babies – more so than a lot of straight people in this world. Thankfully society is following US and not the hate, soon it will be as weird as interracial marriage. Hang in there!

    • I totally agree about it being there more than people think. I mentioned the wedding thing to a straight friend and she was shocked I would wonder if that was why and then shocked when I explain we ALWAYS wonder if that is why. Your family seems quite difficult but I’m glad you have a lot of love surrounding you.

  4. It really meant a lot to me when my very conservative aunt gave us my great grandmother’s rocking chair for our nursery. In my experience, the time between “no one got us anything” and “OMG we now have FIFTY baby blankets” (true story) is pretty short. My family is very superstitious about celebrating babies before they are born, to the degree that many presents didn’t show up until our daughter came home several months after her birth, and one family member, who I love very dearly, actually told me: “well, I didn’t want to send anything until we were sure she would make it.” Family…

    • Holy smokes, I can’t believe your family member said that. I don’t think the same rules about returning wedding gifts if you get divorced within a year applies to babies. Instead, it’s probably really great when you have a medically fragile baby for people to celebrate with you instead of being cautious and kind of a jerk.

  5. I commented on your previous post about the lack of stuff question since this one wasn’t really about that. However, I do have to share here the “maybe you shouldn’t have bothered” gift that cracked us the hell up: A pre-packaged set of onesies, each piece sporting an “adorable” (read: creepy) animal or “cute” (read: nauseating) captions. What makes it so inappropriate you ask? Oh, just the fact that the relative who bought it failed to notice that the one in the middle of the pack said “daddy’s little princess.” Oops! I do believe it was oversight rather than malice, but still, that one went straight into the giveaways pile…

    In any case, I hope you are soon showered with so much love and support that this post becomes but a distant memory (albeit one that many appreciate your articulating).

    • We do have great resale options and I have a bit of a mental sort of our list about what we need as soon as baby comes vs. not for a while. I’m going to start working on acquiring what I can used after the shower and we have a bit of built up amazon credit to get a few things that are harder to find.
      Word shirt for babies are the worst for me. We keep trying to express to people that we do not want a bunch of clothes that say “princess” or “MVP”. My mother in law recently sent a package of stuff she got (She knew it wasn’t quite what we wanted but she found stuff much cheaper than what was on our registry. Sigh.) that included a newborn onesie that looks like a football. Not quite our style but she was so proud that it didn’t say anything on it so we had to applaud her for that.
      We don’t know the sex of the baby which people struggle with as well. I think that is why I am most worried that people will send us stuff after the baby is born because they want to be sure to buy the appropriate color when actually we think all colors are appropriate colors. I suppose this is my first lesson: While our motto may be “less kids, less stuff” that doesn’t mean other people are on board with that idea.

      • Oh my goodness, how I despise (perhaps irrationally) baby clothes with words. I get so annoyed. The gender stereotyping for sure, but even innocuous things like “cutie pie” and what have you. My feeling is that if the child is in fact adorable that adorableness will speak for itself and there’s no need to label it as such. Like I said, perhaps irrational. Especially since I did buy a onesie with words of my own volition once–but it said “hatched by two chicks” so I think that’s a different category some how. Down with “wild child” and “party animal” and UGH. Threadless has (had? haven’t perused in a while…) some good wordless tees and onesies. Whew, I feel calmer now.

      • We registered for (and have had it purchased) one article of clothing with words: a onesie that says “made with love (and science)”. That’s hopefully going to be it for words. I also hate them all.

      • That is acceptable. I approve. And assume my approval is what you have been waiting for.

      • Also, I am totally threadjacking here (as if I wasn’t already) but I also dislike shirts with sentiments like “two moms are better than one.” (This just came up in a social media feed.) “I love my two moms” is fine with me but anything that smacks of gay superiority complexes just rubs me the wrong. Although I was very conflicted when lgbabyt.com (sadly no longer seems to exist?) had one that said 2 moms > 1 mom. Mathematically true. Conceptually? Not necessarily. (Although clearly MY kid’s two moms are the greatest moms in the whooooole world.) Maybe need to not have caffeine before bed? Sorry again for the threadjack.

      • I like your thread highjack and also agree with this. I mean, I know some two mom families that are not better than some one mom families and some one mom families that are not better than some two mom families. And hey, dads are valid and good, too! The fact that I think Lesley and I will be the best parents around has little to do with the fact that we will be two moms and lots to do with the fact that we are totally awesome.

      • Exactly! Thank you for indulging my rant.

  6. It’s gotten to the point with us that as long as our parents and sibling are supportive (they are over the MOOOOONNNN about these babies coming), then that’s all that matters. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the rest of our families are crazy about us, but if they weren’t, we wouldn’t give a crap anyway. We don’t have daily interactions with them so their opinions dont mean much to us. Is it annoying, yes. Is it bothersome, absolutely, but ultimately the people that matter are all onboard. I try to dwell on that instead of the negativity we can receive sometimes. Now if i could just stop caring about the people that stare at us on the street, then that would be great! :/

    • We’re very lucky to have supportive families (at least to our faces which matters most 🙂 ) but that wonder gets me all the time. I’m always so ready to fight for my family that sometimes it’s hard for me to remember that we are accepted and loved.

  7. My wife and I feel and have these thoughts all the time. I wish it got better as times went on but it doesn’t really. I wish people would just own their predjudice, we’ve heard a lot of lame excuses and then super fake acceptance later. It makes us both really angry.

  8. This is a tough one, and it seems like it’s really hard for most folks who haven’t been in the position to understand. Our families are predominantly supportive (all of our siblings and parents rock), but there are still some pretty blatant problems. My wife’s grandparents, upon hearing about our wedding, mentioned that they were considering planning a trip out of the country at that point. One of my incredible, awesome, fantastic sisters-in-law mentioned that if it were any of the straight granddaughters getting married, there would be no question that they would be there. They rethought, showed up, and it was a lovely time, but there is still, after 6 years, that bit of sadness that it had to be voiced at all.

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