Searching for light

I’ve had a pretty easy pregnancy. I’ve been tired but that’s about it. I felt a little crappy often until I started eating all the meat and now I feel pretty good most of the time. I’m hungry a lot and am not sleeping too great but things are mainly okay. I worry about gaining too much weight (a huge annoyance for me as I’ve spent a lot of time working on being positive about my body) and having a huge baby but now at 5 months people are still shocked when I tell them I am pregnant so I suppose I am doing okay.

For the most part, things have been simple. I have no desire to do this again but most days I can say I don’t hate being pregnant. At least that was the case until about a week ago.

For the past week I have cried hysterically (big ugly sobs and gasping for air) every day but one. The reasons why are normally pretty unclear but I go from being fine to hysterical in no time at all. This normally continues for about 20-30 minutes and then I am fine again. 

Those 20-30 minutes of despair are terrible. I think about what a mistake we are making by having a child. I think about how we can’t do this. I am mean and irrational and so devoid of hope. I can honestly say it’s the worst I have ever felt and I’ve experienced long periods of feeling bad.

Last night’s episode was especially bad. I was actually mad about something (Lesley not mowing the lawn while I was on the phone with my sister) and Lesley got angry. She’s sick of not being able to have emotions because I have so many and she has to take care of me. It’s a fair complaint. She’s been wonderful but that doesn’t mean I can treat her however I want. I told her how bad at is – truths I had not wanted to admit to her and do not want to share over the internet. She calmed right down and was sweet and caring again and I pulled out of it. The cloud lifted and I was okay.

I don’t know what the root cause of this is. I mean, yes, hormones but it seems more. We leave on Thursday for 12 days in Michigan with our families – 5 different cities in 12 days. I feel like we have so much to do and maybe that stress is wearing me down. I thought that after Lesley’s hockey season ended our lives would calm down but with getting ready for this trip they haven’t. I want to feel a schedule and routine. I want to know that we can keep up on our own laundry so we can keep up on our kid’s. I want to remember the last time we vacuumed the living room rug. I know our lives will calm down – and most importantly Lesley will work less when baby comes and things will seem more together. But I also know that in many ways they won’t and I struggle to make peace with that lack of control.

We see our midwife Thursday and I am hoping she has some helpful ideas to keep me sane. I can’t do four more months like this week. I can’t do that to me and I can’t do that to Lesley. I’ve become scared of the person I am during those times and am so worried about my emotions after baby is here. 

I read blogs and forums and watch people getting so excited while I am on edge every day waiting for an inevitable breakdown. I know other people must feel this way and I hope they are finding light at the end. I hope it’s there for me, too.

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Posted on May 13, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. The hormones can be rough for sure. My spouse and dad put the crib together last night and I saw how big it was in our room and I got so sad. I have no idea why. And last week I had so much anxiety about “what if something bad happens to my son during his lifetime?” I’m usually pretty even keel so it throws me off to have these lows. I wonder what it will be like postpartum. But yes, light at the end of the tunnel. We are getting there.

    • It’s just so intense- I had zero idea. Because we are doing a home birth I have the option of having my placenta made into supplements to help even hormones after birth. I used to laugh at those people…

  2. If you have been diagnosed with depression previously and are being treated for it, you may need your medication adjusted. They say that depression gets worse during pregnancy sometimes. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, different bodies react to pregnancy hormones differently.

    • I was on anti depressants for a year about ten years ago. I don’t have any depression shame but hate the idea of starting a new med while pregnant. I’ve always been a bit anxious so think this is that intensified – I’m really hoping she has ideas for coping mechanisms.

  3. I’m sorry you are having a hard time. Pregnancy is definitely full of all sorts of emotions. I hope your midwife has some good ideas for you. I’ve luckily, according to my wife, been the same even keel person I was before the pregnancy. Do you do yoga at all, or acupuncture? Both of those seem to help me quite a bit.

    • I cried at prenatal yoga. 🙂 I really think a lot of it is the stress of stuff to do before our trip. As more gets done the breakdowns are fewer. Still hoping for some ideas from the midwife so next time extra stress is added (or if that’s not it) I can better cope.

  4. twomamasonebaby

    I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time. I’ve always struggled with depression and what really sucks is how pregnancy hormones can really amplify those lows. I’m glad you and Lesley were able to work stuff out the other day and I hope your midwife has some suggestions for coping. If you ever want to go grab a coffee sometime so we can commiserate, just say the word. And if I don’t talk to you before then, have a great time showing off your bump in Michigan!

  5. That sounds like what I experienced during my pregnancy with my son. It lasted the whole time for me. It was honestly awful and one of the darkest times in my life. I didn’t take meds because my doctor thought that, as long as I could function without them, it would be better for the baby to abstain. I was very happy to not be pregnant when he was born and, for me, the symptoms disappeared after hi birth. I hope you midwife has some insight for you.

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