Searching for light
I’ve had a pretty easy pregnancy. I’ve been tired but that’s about it. I felt a little crappy often until I started eating all the meat and now I feel pretty good most of the time. I’m hungry a lot and am not sleeping too great but things are mainly okay. I worry about gaining too much weight (a huge annoyance for me as I’ve spent a lot of time working on being positive about my body) and having a huge baby but now at 5 months people are still shocked when I tell them I am pregnant so I suppose I am doing okay.
For the most part, things have been simple. I have no desire to do this again but most days I can say I don’t hate being pregnant. At least that was the case until about a week ago.
For the past week I have cried hysterically (big ugly sobs and gasping for air) every day but one. The reasons why are normally pretty unclear but I go from being fine to hysterical in no time at all. This normally continues for about 20-30 minutes and then I am fine again.
Those 20-30 minutes of despair are terrible. I think about what a mistake we are making by having a child. I think about how we can’t do this. I am mean and irrational and so devoid of hope. I can honestly say it’s the worst I have ever felt and I’ve experienced long periods of feeling bad.
Last night’s episode was especially bad. I was actually mad about something (Lesley not mowing the lawn while I was on the phone with my sister) and Lesley got angry. She’s sick of not being able to have emotions because I have so many and she has to take care of me. It’s a fair complaint. She’s been wonderful but that doesn’t mean I can treat her however I want. I told her how bad at is – truths I had not wanted to admit to her and do not want to share over the internet. She calmed right down and was sweet and caring again and I pulled out of it. The cloud lifted and I was okay.
I don’t know what the root cause of this is. I mean, yes, hormones but it seems more. We leave on Thursday for 12 days in Michigan with our families – 5 different cities in 12 days. I feel like we have so much to do and maybe that stress is wearing me down. I thought that after Lesley’s hockey season ended our lives would calm down but with getting ready for this trip they haven’t. I want to feel a schedule and routine. I want to know that we can keep up on our own laundry so we can keep up on our kid’s. I want to remember the last time we vacuumed the living room rug. I know our lives will calm down – and most importantly Lesley will work less when baby comes and things will seem more together. But I also know that in many ways they won’t and I struggle to make peace with that lack of control.
We see our midwife Thursday and I am hoping she has some helpful ideas to keep me sane. I can’t do four more months like this week. I can’t do that to me and I can’t do that to Lesley. I’ve become scared of the person I am during those times and am so worried about my emotions after baby is here.
I read blogs and forums and watch people getting so excited while I am on edge every day waiting for an inevitable breakdown. I know other people must feel this way and I hope they are finding light at the end. I hope it’s there for me, too.