Monthly Archives: May 2014

Best part

I forgot to tell you the best part of our trip and it deserves it’s own post.

My aunt asked me if I planned to eat my uterus after the baby is born.


It doesn’t have to be like this.

We’re sitting here very early at the Detroit airport, waiting to fly home from a long family visit. We stayed six different places, saw 4 sets of parents, 2 sets of grandparents, two brothers and sister in laws, 2 nieces, 8 aunts and uncles, 6 cousins (and four of their kids), and roughly 8 friends. It’s probably the longest we have been in Michigan since we moved 5 years ago and we feel we actually got to spend some time with people so that was nice.

My biggest annoyance as a pregnant lady is people saying something like, “You’ll change your mind about that” or “That’s what you think now” when we talk about parenting choices. Normally we hear this from disgruntled parents- the tired ones who remember the kind of parents they hoped to be and feel guilty about falling short. It upsets us both and is the one thing I will no longer tolerate. I know parenting will not go as expected- I’m not dumb. But every day if worry about having a healthy baby, about recovering from that process, and surviving as a family through the first year. I believe steakums and I will be fine through delivery but know we could not be. I do not fear for our lives but am nervous and scared about the whole thing so it’s nice to hold onto some optimism that we can do parenting our way. Quite frankly, I find the naysayers to be assholes.

That last few days we have been with our bet friends. They came to join us and my family at my dad’s and then we spent two nights at their house prior to them taking us to the airport today. Yesterday their daughter turned two. They visited us over her first birthday and we saw her at a relative’s house when she was around 3 months old. This was a fun visit with them and she’s great but there were so many reasons we left the Midwest and I wonder if our child would be raised like theirs if we were still there. Throughout our time with them Lesley and I kept looking at each other and saying, “It doesn’t have to be like this.” We know we can parent/live in a different way.

Their house looks like a toy store blew up. There are multiple play kitchen and other huge place play places. They have yet to get rid of a single toy. She has two tables where you can hit buttons that light up and they keep them both, despite one having no batteries. They keep the other because sometimes she hits the button sometimes and likes that it plays music. There is a child’s picnic table in the middle of the living room she eats at. There are piles of books in every room. It doesn’t have to be like this. Becoming a parent doesn’t have to mean losing every inch of my home.

Their house is filthy. I would say that it’s just cluttered but it is dirty. There is no organization to anything and straight up trash all over. It doesn’t have to be like this. Becoming a parent does not mean I cannot pick up after myself ever.

My best friend is stressed about their daughter’s birthday party tomorrow. They are hand making many of the decorations and preparing for 30 people. We spent most of out time there putting together gift bags and coloring Winnie the Pooh characters on poster board. It doesn’t have to be like this. Becoming a parent does not mean having to throw elaborate birthday parties for a kid who is 2.

Their daughter’s favorite treat is whipped topping. She is allowed to eat junk food. While my best friend tries to limit it her wife does not. It doesn’t have to be like this. Becoming a parent does not mean that you lose your ideals about not feeding your kid junk or at the very least does not mean that it’s okay to have yours and your partner’s behavior completely contradict one another.

While at my dad’s house it took them an hour to get a bag together to walk to a different family house across the street. It doesn’t have to be like this. Becoming a parent does not mean it has to take you forever to accomplish one task. (Especially not when the adult to child ratio is 2 to 1.)

They bought a minivan for their three person family so their daughter can watch movies in the car. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS!

I know that believing we can escape these things means that we may be in for a big surprise. While I love our friends and their daughter is well taken care of, healthy, and loved. I just have to keep my belief that our lives will be different than that.

Vacation calm

Things with the midwife went great last week. I talked to her about how I’ve been feeling and she suggested I’m not eating enough. It’s a reasonable assumption because of the timing of the incidents and my propensity to get hangry when not pregnant. I’ve been trying to watch it and ward off any hunger and have had less crazy episodes. Lesley asked about me taking rescue remedy, a natural anti anxiety, and she said to go for it. I have it ready to go but have not yet needed it.

Vacations to Michigan are always busy for us as we have many places to be but that’s life. I’m curled up at my mom’s for an afternoon nap and am pleased with that. We’re slowly crossing people to see off our list but I wish we had more time to spend everywhere. It is what it is.

We talked with our choices to take our kiddo in case we die and option 1 is thinking about it (as we asked them to) and the person we want as our back up is all in. It’s a weird thing- trying to decide who you want to raise your child if you die.

Steakums is moving quite a bit but not being cooperative enough to kick my mom which is killing her. Hopefully we can get a good one in still.

My best news is last: one of my best friends got her bfp today after almost a year of trying! More on that when the time is right. 🙂

Searching for light

I’ve had a pretty easy pregnancy. I’ve been tired but that’s about it. I felt a little crappy often until I started eating all the meat and now I feel pretty good most of the time. I’m hungry a lot and am not sleeping too great but things are mainly okay. I worry about gaining too much weight (a huge annoyance for me as I’ve spent a lot of time working on being positive about my body) and having a huge baby but now at 5 months people are still shocked when I tell them I am pregnant so I suppose I am doing okay.

For the most part, things have been simple. I have no desire to do this again but most days I can say I don’t hate being pregnant. At least that was the case until about a week ago.

For the past week I have cried hysterically (big ugly sobs and gasping for air) every day but one. The reasons why are normally pretty unclear but I go from being fine to hysterical in no time at all. This normally continues for about 20-30 minutes and then I am fine again. 

Those 20-30 minutes of despair are terrible. I think about what a mistake we are making by having a child. I think about how we can’t do this. I am mean and irrational and so devoid of hope. I can honestly say it’s the worst I have ever felt and I’ve experienced long periods of feeling bad.

Last night’s episode was especially bad. I was actually mad about something (Lesley not mowing the lawn while I was on the phone with my sister) and Lesley got angry. She’s sick of not being able to have emotions because I have so many and she has to take care of me. It’s a fair complaint. She’s been wonderful but that doesn’t mean I can treat her however I want. I told her how bad at is – truths I had not wanted to admit to her and do not want to share over the internet. She calmed right down and was sweet and caring again and I pulled out of it. The cloud lifted and I was okay.

I don’t know what the root cause of this is. I mean, yes, hormones but it seems more. We leave on Thursday for 12 days in Michigan with our families – 5 different cities in 12 days. I feel like we have so much to do and maybe that stress is wearing me down. I thought that after Lesley’s hockey season ended our lives would calm down but with getting ready for this trip they haven’t. I want to feel a schedule and routine. I want to know that we can keep up on our own laundry so we can keep up on our kid’s. I want to remember the last time we vacuumed the living room rug. I know our lives will calm down – and most importantly Lesley will work less when baby comes and things will seem more together. But I also know that in many ways they won’t and I struggle to make peace with that lack of control.

We see our midwife Thursday and I am hoping she has some helpful ideas to keep me sane. I can’t do four more months like this week. I can’t do that to me and I can’t do that to Lesley. I’ve become scared of the person I am during those times and am so worried about my emotions after baby is here. 

I read blogs and forums and watch people getting so excited while I am on edge every day waiting for an inevitable breakdown. I know other people must feel this way and I hope they are finding light at the end. I hope it’s there for me, too.

It’s a….



The 20 week ultrasound went great. They have no reason for concern and report that steakums is growing on schedule and weighs 13 ounces. (In case anyone else needs to ask someone else, there are 16 ounces in a pound.) There were no concerns and we were able to not find out the sex of the baby.

One of the reasons we did the 20 week ultrasound was to get a good look at the heart. When we told our doctor we were using a midwife we asked her what she would suggest we do, if anything. She suggested the 20 week ultrasound because of there was any heart problems you wouldn’t be able to tell just by hearing it and where we live heart problem doesn’t just mean hospital delivery – it means hospital delivery two hours away. While the doctor would have liked to see a bit more of the heart and steakums would not cooperate, she said she wasn’t worried about anything and didn’t need to push it. The heart rate had calmed down (which is normal) and was at 144 when it has always been over 160.

So, maybe this is a bad omen for our parenting but we both thought the ultrasound was totally creepy. I was really touched by our 8 week one but it’s kind of creepy to look at your baby without skin. I’m normally not a fan of 3d ultrasounds but they showed us a 3d shot and I almost found those less alarming until Lesley pointed out that in one shot steakums looks like a pug dog.

So here is a shot of this babe. Feel free to start your boy/girl guesses.


4 hours to go!

This is a pointless post but…

Only 4 hours to go until our 20 week ultrasound! I’m bursting with excitement to see steakums (yup, we call the fetus steakums). Two more clients to see and an hour to waste time sitting at my desk.

I really underestimated my excitement for this.


I went to my first prenatal yoga class yesterday. I bought a groupon for it about six weeks ago but hadn’t been yet. I blames that on my hatred for new things but realized yesterday at the class that I didn’t feel I deserve to be there. I didn’t think I was pregnant enough. I am 19 weeks pregnant. There were three other women in the class who were 19 weeks and one who was 18. No one made me feel uncomfortable and it was a really great experience. Plus, with three other women who are 19 weeks there I have found my opportunity to have my child live out The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

It’s just really starting to hit me that I am pregnant. That’s absurd because I am getting pretty big but I feel it’s starting to be noticeable and exciting. Then it hit me that I am going to be someone’s mom and that really threw me for a loop. I told Lesley this and then later when we are at the thrift store and I bought some nice elastic waist maternity shorts for summer she laughed at me and said, “Wow, you really are about to be someone’s mom.”

So this is it. It’s real and I can just be pregnant and do things that pregnant women do, like go to yoga and buy super fancy belly lotion to combat the itches and demand Dairy Queen at all hours. And while I have only gained four pound thus far it seems my belly is accepting this too.


The right car

There is a song I love by Catie Curtis called Magnolia Street. (You can start counting the huge lesbian references in this post now. This is number 1.) It’s a beautiful love song that basically talks about falling in love swiftly and knowing it is right. There a line in it that says, “I’m in the right car”. That line keeps repeating in my head.

This is not a love story although someday you’ll hear the amazing one I have that involves Lake Michigan beaches, talks about public transportation, a twix bar, and homemade roses. But that is not today’s story.

While ttc we always talked about why that month was the right month. Whether it was when we’d tell people or when the baby would be born. Each month was devastating, especially when we passed the point where we could announce to our parents for Christmas. Every month was the right month.

But now that we’re here I’m so happy with how the timing worked out. The schedule was released today for the Little League Softball World Series. This is less than two hours from us and we love going (2). It will be six weeks prior to my due date so we’re hoping things are going to go well enough that we can take one last weekend getaway. We decided to spend too much money to go see Joan Baez and the Indigo Girls (3) this summer since who knows when we’ll get to go to a concert again. We have camping trips planned around things we’ve wanted to do but have not yet done. We get to go to Michigan and see our families in two weeks and get to be there as our best friend’s daughter turns two. We have a summer list that we have this last little bit of time to do as two before becoming three.

I told Lesley today that this fetus knows we needed that. We’re summer people and need this summer to be the calm before the storm. We need to love each other and see the ocean and hike in the woods. We need to kayak at our favorite spots and lay in our hammock and enjoy summer nights. And this little being knew that. The plan was out of my control and I gave up on getting pregnant at the right time but I had no idea the right time was coming. But here we are – in the right car.