Monthly Archives: March 2014

Whoops

We agreed to not buy things until after the baby shower but then went to a fancy baby store on vacation and found a sales rack of our favorite brand (zutano). And with that, we bought the baby’s first Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival outfit.

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Teetering

I feel like I am teetering between extremes.

I talked in my last post about how I feel like there is nothing to do. In my 14th week I am starting to feel like there is nothing to do and everything to do. We have so many crafts we want to do for baby that we haven’t started! We have so much stuff we need! We have home projects I want to get done! But then I remind myself we have time, it will be okay. I’ve also started to think about the practical implications of it all. Our good friend will do childcare and I am working on a childcare agreement, redoing our budget to add in the costs and see what we have to do to be out of debt by the time baby arrives. I’ve been thinking about long term child savings – when do we set up a savings account for our child? How much do we add monthly? It’s a priority for us to pay for our child to go to college – how do I figure out what we need to save for that? These practical¬†things (read: money) occupy a lot of my brain space. Babies cost a lot, y’all. Even if you are like us and hope to have minimal things for them.

The other extreme is emotional. Wowza, that’s a killer. Last night I told Lesley what I wanted for dinner and she made it. I ate a small amount and decided I was not hungry. She was frustrated with me because I need to eat more and keep giving me (what I interpreted as) disapproving looks. This led to me pouting and sniffling on the couch for about an hour and a half. About an hour before this episode I was totally fine. I do not look forward to this continuing and wish I could figure out how to regulate myself a bit better. Lesley blamed it all on me being hungry. I have a bad history of getting hangry so maybe that was it, or maybe just what she could identify from my past behavior. I, on the other hand, suspect it might have had something to do with her coming home from the store without ice cream. I guess the reassuring part is that while my stomach is getting bigger I don’t have much validation I am pregnant. Our next midwife appointment is in late April so the reassurance of hearing the heartbeat again is a ways off. I guess right now what I have is a total break down due to lack of ice cream.

In other fun baby news, we picked names! No, I am not going to tell you what they are but they are picked. We’ve had a boy names picked for a while but picked a girls name on Sunday and instantly knew it was right. We had one picked before (Spencer) but then found out it is a really popular name in our little hippy town as one of the hiking spots is Spencer’s Butte and our founding father had the last name Spencer. That took that out of the running. But that never felt as right as the new one does. I’ve had a hard time imagining having a girl and I think it was because we knew the boy’s name –¬†I could see us having a son with that name. I now feel that way about having a daughter which gives me some relief that we have a shot of having a girl. I actually love both names so much it makes me want to have two – looks like when the dog comes around we’ll have a name ready to go!

Waiting

I feel like we’re in a bit of a holding pattern- just waiting for what’s next. We’ve bought some things for the baby but want to hold off on buying anything more until after a shower. We have very minimalist views about baby stuff and because of that have very small registries and I have a very big family. There’s no point in buying anything else now. I’m eager to decorate baby’s room but we have a renter and I want that income as long as possible so we likely won’t be decorating it until after the baby is here. There’s not much to do yet to prepare.

I can tell I am pregnant but don’t feel I look it. I got a box of maternity shirts in the mail from my mom so wore one today and took a picture for her this morning.

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I’m ready for my belly to pop and at 12 weeks 2 days I’m hoping it’s soon. It’s funny- I really don’t have body image issues but have developed a fear I won’t be “cute” pregnant. I’m eager for it to be noticeable as my hormones are making me self conscious – a feeling I very much dislike.

I bought a belly band yesterday to
Hold my pants up without buttoning them and am in love. It’s pretty much just spanx for pregnant women that makes all pants yoga pants. What a great invention.

I feel like there’s so much we should be doing and like there is nothing to do but wait. How do I even begin to prepare for what is next when I have no idea what the future will really be like?

We went public

Our midwife appointment was great. She found the heartbeat immediately and could hear the fetus moving around. Heartbeat was at an excited 160. I don’t feel the need to buy a Doppler but after hearing it this morning I now understand that desire. I did get scolded for my lack of protein and love of carbs. Turns out eggs for breakfast are no longer optional. When this little is born I’m never eating a scrabbled egg again.

After hearing the heartbeat we went public on Facebook. We kept it simple without too much fanfare.

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I should mention that our last name isn’t actually Y’allard…

Anyway, simple and true. It works for us (and I’m not very photogenic so takes that burden off!).

Truth comes out

I’ve heard women talk about how they love being pregnant. I used to be in awe of them – what a beautiful time and to be able to do it with such grace and ease? Amazing.

Now I know they are all liars.

When we were trying to get pregnant I swore I would have no complaints about being pregnant. We tried so hard and wanted this so bad and I would be grateful and enjoy the good and bad.

I, too, am a liar.

I hate being pregnant. I hate being so tired all the time. I hate crying once a day, normally because of something absurd (like Lesley giving me a “mean” look). I hate not sleeping well. I hate monitoring what I eat and drink to make sure I am getting enough. I hate how I feel when I don’t eat enough. I hate being super hungry and then eating three bites of something and never wanting to eat again.

I’ve had it pretty easy. No major sickness. No major problems. But I just hate it. I’m so happy that we are “one and done” and I don’t have to do this again.

I know it will all be worth it and sometimes I am thankful that the general crummy feeling is a sign things are still going well. I’m lucky to have Lesley who is so good to me and packs me snacks for work and makes all my food and has no complaints about how unhelpful I am and my constant whining. It could be worse, right?

We have a midwife appointment Monday and hope to hear the heartbeat. If we do, we’re announcing on facebook. Lesley jokes that everyone already knows but there are a few out there who don’t. I’ll be 11 weeks and 2 days. I’ve been thinking about how to announce. I hate most picture announcements, I don’t really want to focus on the fact that I am pregnant as WE are having a baby and just because it isn’t Lesley’s uterus does not (in my opinion) make her a lesser part of this, and I go back and forth about acknowledging that I know there are many women who are struggling to get pregnant and while we share our happy news our hearts are with them, too. So friends, how did you/how do you plan to announce your pregnancy on the book of face?

11 Things

So after reading some other blogger’s 11 Things list I decided to create my own. Most people who follow me don’t know me so I look at this as a chance to do something more personal/not baby related. So here are my things:

1) I have six tattoos. My first was a moon with a star going around it on my back, then a woman symbol with the word “revolution” running through it on my arm, then the words “love” and “compliance” on my wrists (a- I count those as two. b- mad bonus points to you if you can name that song.), a dwarf lake iris (state wildflower of Michigan) on my shoulder and a lid that says “has a lid” on my thigh. Lesley has the pot that matches the lid and the words “every pot” on hers. It’s our big saying – every pot has a lid. Three of my tattoos were done in someone’s basement.

2) I went to Catholic school from k-8. My mom went to the same catholic school as a child. While I don’t believe in god I do believe this experience shaped who I am. I still struggle with not believing in Heaven because I like to think that my grandma and dog are together somewhere.

3) I once quit a job at a neighborhood development organization when one of the business owners publicly harassed me for being gay. A few months later his business burned down. The apartment above his business was ruined and the girl who lived there was someone who was mean to me in middle school. Because of this I strongly believe in karma.

4) I’ve always known I’ve wanted to work in human services. I spent my first day of kindergarten comforting a kid who was sad. Meanwhile, I had fallen off my bike the day before and had 14 stitches and my arm in a sling. My work is the only thing I’ve ever really felt I am exceptional at.

5) I have shaved my legs and armpits twice in six years- once for my sister’s wedding and once for my best friend, E’s, wedding. When I did shave I shaved every time I showered, even if twice a day. I feel like not shaving is more about overcoming compulsive behavior than anything else.

6) I used to be terrible with money and bill paying. I had terrible credit, was always broke, and not smart about my spending. Seeing my credit score when preparing to buy our house was a very proud moment for me. I really can’t believe how far I’ve come.

7) I want to be 90% car free in two years. We’d still have a car for trips but our goal is to live day to day car free. In 8 years Lesley and I have never owned two cars and never intend to.

8) Really tall people make me uncomfortable. I consider really tall over 5’11” for women and 6’4″ for men. I have no idea why this bothers me so much, especially because I am fairly tall (5’9″).

9) I love water but can’t swim. I have a kayak and always wear my life jacket and often wear it in a lake. I can float and make do but if I was stuck in open water I’d die. Similarly, I love the woods but am scared if big animals. I often carry a bear bell hiking.

10) I moved to Oregon 4.5 years ago without having ever been here. I knew after two weeks I’d never leave.

11) I’m overly emotional. I often get teased about this which then upsets me more. It’s the worst when I am overly tired.