Two points for honesty
There is a lighthearted conversation going on right now on our sperm banks forum about different criteria people used to pick their donor. People started talking about one specific criteria and I realized I am really the odd ball out. Many of them would not pick a donor who, when asked why he wanted to be a donor, mentioned money.
Lesley and I, on the other hand, gave extra mental points to those guys. Was it our first criteria? No. But was I pleased that our final donor said he wanted to donate for the money? Yes. Two points for honesty.
Most of the women on the forum are thinking about how to share donor information with their child and want his reasoning to be noble and pure. I can get that I suppose. But that’s not where we are coming from. We want our conversations to be open and honest. Our friends plan to tell their daughter that this man gave them an amazing gift. I think it glorifies things. I think wanting to present the donor as this selfless man who did this amazing thing is making him out to be something he may not be. Maybe our child will meet him at some point and maybe they won’t but they can make up their own mind about who they believe him to be.
It’s not that I want our child to think poorly of the donor. Truth be told, I want our child to not think about him at all but I know that’s not likely. I don’t need him to pay a magical, unrealistic role in our child’s life. Our child will know they came from a donor but they will know that they were created because Lesley and I love each other so much we think we might explode so we want to spread that out a bit. They will know this man helped us, and whether we tell them or not, at some point they will figure out he was paid for it. He doesn’t need to be viewed as a hero because he gave us an amazing gift. Maybe he’s a really great guy, sure, but I think our child can find their own heros without me force feeding them inaccurate visions of reality. Better yet, my child can be their own hero.
And THAT is what I would never tell the women of the forum (even though my signature in it is linked to my blog.)