Two points for honesty

There is a lighthearted conversation going on right now on our sperm banks forum about different criteria people used to pick their donor. People started talking about one specific criteria and I realized I am really the odd ball out. Many of them would not pick a donor who, when asked why he wanted to be a donor, mentioned money.

Lesley and I, on the other hand, gave extra mental points to those guys. Was it our first criteria? No. But was I pleased that our final donor said he wanted to donate for the money? Yes. Two points for honesty.

Most of the women on the forum are thinking about how to share donor information with their child and want his reasoning to be noble and pure. I can get that I suppose. But that’s not where we are coming from. We want our conversations to be open and honest. Our friends plan to tell their daughter that this man gave them an amazing gift. I think it glorifies things. I think wanting to present the donor as this selfless man who did this amazing thing is making him out to be something he may not be. Maybe our child will meet him at some point and maybe they won’t but they can make up their own mind about who they believe him to be.

It’s not that I want our child to think poorly of the donor. Truth be told, I want our child to not think about him at all but I know that’s not likely. I don’t need him to pay a magical, unrealistic role in our child’s life. Our child will know they came from a donor but they will know that they were created because Lesley and I love each other so much we think we might explode so we want to spread that out a bit. They will know this man helped us, and whether we tell them or not, at some point they will figure out he was paid for it. He doesn’t need to be viewed as a hero because he gave us an amazing gift. Maybe he’s a really great guy, sure, but I think our child can find their own heros without me force feeding them inaccurate visions of reality. Better yet, my child can be their own hero.

And THAT is what I would never tell the women of the forum (even though my signature in it is linked to my blog.)


Posted on February 28, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. I like your line of thinking better. Let’s face it: no young man is going to make MULTIPLE trips to the clinic for testing, etc…without the incentive of $$. Here in Canada we can’t pay sperm donors and you know what that has resulted in? A pool of only 26 sperm donors in all of Canada (at the sperm bank, I mean). No one wants to go through all of that without being paid, and who can blame them!

    I used a known donor and he didn’t get paid, but if I were ever to go through the bank, I’d look for an honest dude like you did.

  2. Honesty is important. It’s not bad to do something for money. Most of us only go to our jobs for 40 hrs a week for money. 🙂

  3. agreed! I’m so fine with a young college student wanting some extra cash… much better than an old creepy guy trying to do some nice free gesture.

  4. I don’t see the problem with doing it for money. When I was looking at donating my eggs, it was 90% for the money

  5. hey! i actually just followed you over here to your blog after reading that very post. we’re not pregnant yet, but we’re trying this month and i LOVED the fact that the donor we picked mentioned the money. partly because he said it with a sense of humor and partly because of what you mentioned, he was being honest. if he hadn’t said it i would have been thinking, i know the truth, and you tried to hide it! anyway let’s see if i get a bfp with this funny, honest sperm 🙂

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