Monthly Archives: January 2014

A sappy post

I really try not to be publicly gushy but let me tell you, my lady is fantastic.

I’ve been feeling rough. Pretty nauseous all the time. The last two mornings have been terrible and while I have made it this far without throwing up I feel that achievement is short lived. Because of the nausea I’m not really eating. Today I ate ten crackers. That’s it. Lesley (switching to real names! I’m Emily, fwiw) is displeased about this so today, when she got out of work earlier than me, she made a grocery list and menu plan for me. She looked up what I need a lot of (calcium, DHA) and found ways to balance meals so I am getting the proper nutrition. Last night she downloaded the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” iPhone app. She made an account and registered herself as a dad (Sighhhhhhhhh) because she wants to be sure she is getting information to support me.

She told me that normally if she got out of work early she would spend time researching stuff about hockey but not today because she loves me and our blastocyst.

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Purpose

I’ve been thinking about what the purpose of this blog is now that I am pregnant. I don’t plan on giving daily/weekly pregnancy updates or updates on our child. Instead, I hope this is a place where we can share the humor we find in this next grand adventure.

But for now, until I figure out that purpose, an update:
4 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Betas came back good: 13 dpo they came back at 132, 15 dpo were 319. First ultrasound is scheduled for Valentines Day. We told our parents and they are THRILLED. My mom was a bit concerned when I told her we are thinking about going with the midwife who brings the birthing tub to your house on the back of her cargo bike but still, THRILLED.

We bought a few baby things and have enjoyed thinking about what’s coming up. I am glad to have the betas back and will feel even better after the ultrasound.

I’m feeling okay. It was bad the first few days but then I realized I just can’t skimp on sleep. I don’t have much of an appetite. My mom said all of her pregnancies were good- she was just tired. I’m hoping that means good things for me.

Things they don’t tell you

I kind of thought there was a grace period. Like you find out you are pregnant and adjust to that and then a week or two later you start to feel a bit sick.

There is no grace period.

Instead, you find out you are pregnant at 6:30 am and by ten are questioning whether or not you are going to spend the next hour in your office dry heaving in your trash can. Maybe that’s just nerves, you tell yourself.

Then that night you get so exhausted you sit on the floor and cry. You wake up the next day, wondering if you should eat breakfast or if there is no point as at that time you think you’ll just revisit it in an hour. After eating dry chex on the way to work you have to sit down for your hour long presentation because, honestly, standing seems too hard.

There is no grace period.

10,000 hours

My dad was telling me recently about the book The Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. The premise of the book is this: people who are exceptional at something have put 10,000 hours of work in to be an expert. I immediately knew what he was talking about, not because I read the book, but because I love Macklemore and he has a song about this same idea.

In September, 10,032 hours after the day of our first insemination, we are expecting a baby.

I got a positive pregnancy test this morning and am blown away. We are thrilled, of course. We spent the morning telling close friends and making sure those we know in real life reading the blog heard it from us first. We’re now trying to figure out our next step. I called my doctor and they don’t feel the need to do a blood test. Instead, they scheduled a ten week appointment on February 28th. I want a blood test so asked the nurse to call me back and am waiting on that. If no luck there I will try my primary care provider.

I’m excited and nervous and already sure I am going to feel like hell through this. I don’t care. Bring it on.

Story of my life

If my ttc journey was a book the chapter I am currently on would be titled Am I nauseous or are my leggings too tight?

That is all.

One tip

If I had one piece of advice going into TTC it would be this: Temp (take your bbt daily, right when you get up) a month before putting sperm in you.

I never thought I would temp but come month 7 I am willing to try ANYTHING. Now that I am temping I wish I would have done it before trying so I have something to compare my chart to. Instead, I spend hours over analyzing a chart whose meaning I don’t understand.

If this is it

You know what is a bad idea? Trying new things during the two week wait.

A few weeks ago, after some time at a bar, our friends J and N, our rommate, K the Canadian, and Pot and I decided to have gluten free January. People who are not actually allergic to gluten say they felt better when they stopped eating gluten so we made an agreement to try it out. Unfortunately, this means that I am paying a lot of attention to how my body feels. Does it feel different? If so, am I pregnant or is it the lack of gluten?

I’ve been wanting to take a yoga class and our Parks and Rec had a free class tonight so Pot and I went before I decided whether or not to sign up for the 11week class. Now, I should add that I am the least flexible person in the world. I’m debating whether to sign up because tonight pushed my limits but I figure that some flexibility will be helpful for my eventual plans of pushing a baby out of my vagina in a tub in my living room. I struggled most when the crazy man had us do multiple lunges. I had to lay down because I very nearly vomited. Was the nausea because I am pregnant or because I have no done lunches since I was maybe 12?

After month one I have done a good job of not symptom watching during the two week wait. This time that is out the window. Up until yesterday, 6 dpo, I was 70/30. 70% sure this is it, 30% sure this is not. Last night when I went to bed those numbers shifts to be about 40/60. Then today I had dull lower back pain all day. I get a lot of lower back pain but this feels different. But does it feel different or do I just want it to feel different?

I am hoping that I will feel it one way or another in the next couple days. I don’t want to test until after my period is late which would be at least the 18th. That’s a long ways away and gives me plenty of time for my hopes to diminish. I just hope that if this is it my body let’s me know. So yo body, if this is it, please let me know. If this is baby time, please say so.

Ours

It’s no secret that I want a daughter. Seven months into trying to get pregnant I care less and less every day but in my heart of hearts, I want a girl.

Pot and I have agreed that we will not find out the sex of the baby. It won’t change how we decorate a nursery (which Pot has already designed with detailed sketches), what we register for (again, already done), or how we feel about the pregnancy so why know? I think it is good for me, too. I can’t imagine having a baby, finding out it is a boy, and being disappointed. Yes, it will be a boy, but it will be OUR boy. Plus, our top boy names are super cute.

My friends all know how badly I want a girl and purposely use male pronouns when talking about our future child to get me used to the idea. At this point, I can imagine having a baby boy and even a toddler boy but struggle with seeing myself having a boy child.

Many of my views about parenting fall into line with the fact that I live in a hippie town. I plan to cloth diaper, make my own baby food, and am adamantly against having a stroller as it seems like a waste of space and money since one of us will always be wearing our child when we are out. I don’t want to cosleep which is about the only thing that makes me different from all of the other hippie parents around here. I know what my views are on these things (and things like them) and sure, maybe they will change, but all in all, I feel like I have the same parenting expectations that many others do.

How I imagine our household operating is a bit more unique. Where my girl yearning comes from is my desire to raise a girl in this world. I want to take her to the inauguration of the first woman president and hang Kathleen Hanna’s “Riot Grrl Manifesto” above her crib. I read this great article the other day and realized that my daughter can say “fuck” as much as she wants but “fat” will be a banned “F” word in our home. I am totally against baby music and instead plan to dance with her to Le Tigre and Sleater Kinney and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I want her feet to plant firmly in the ground at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival.

(I should take a second to note that I do understand that gender is more fluid than this and that having a child born female does not mean they will always identify as female. I 100% get that. But I think very few parents look at their new born baby and look at their gender as a blank slate. Maybe many do and are more progressive than me – so be it. I’ll love and support my child and whatever body, mind, being they grow into.)

I realize that a lot of these things I can still do with a boy. I realize that my boy may never want to watch videos of monster trucks or my girl may love princesses. During this two week wait I keep telling myself that the child that comes into our lives will be ours. It’s taking longer than planned but when it is time, it will be our time with our child. Our child will come back from the beach with pockets full of shells. Our child will be barefoot as much as possible and be in awe of the world around them. Our child will love to read and imagine and create. And if our child, boy or girl, is none of the things that I expect or hope – they’ll still be our perfect child.

Renewal

Today was a good day. It was a much needed good day.

Yesterday I got a positive on the ovulation predictor kit. In fact, I got a positive on two ovulation predictor kits. Just to be sure we were getting it right we decided I should try two different brands every day to see if they were telling us the same thing. They were and yesterday was the day. Because it was New Years’ Day I was unable to call the doctor’s office to schedule an appointment yesterday so we crossed our fingers and hoped things would work out today.

When somewhere opens at 8 am if you call them at 8 am you seem crazy. But if you wait until 8:02, watching the clock the whole time, you seem perfectly normal. At 8:02 I called and they told me the nurse would call me back. She did within ten minutes. We were going in at 11:45.

I went to work, left for a long lunch, picked up Pot, and went to the doctor. Now, if you hate being the center of attention you should probably avoid carrying a 22 pound box into a gyno office. I was mortified which is exactly why I made Pot carry it. We sat in the lobby, with our box, and waited.

The nurse came to get us and she was so nice, y’all. I take back all of my dislike for her. She thawed the sperm and chatted with us about how she liked my sweater and we talked about our favorite places to buy skirts. The doctor came in, chatted for a minute, we joked around, and then she got the sperm and did the insemination.

Doing the insemination at the doctor’s office was totally different from doing the IUI at home. Two things really struck me: 1) How fast it was. At home, it would probably take us 5 minutes start to finish. At the office, it was 15 seconds, max. I was shocked. 2) I felt nothing. At home it feels like, you know, someone is poking around inside your cervix. I had no idea that she had done it. It was like the time my dad had to pull my big toenail off after I fell down the stairs and it popped up. He said he’d do it on three but did it on two and I had no idea. I kept waiting for her, not realizing that she was done.

The most reassuring part of the day was when she said she had a little difficulty getting into my uterus. It wasn’t super hard and she was able to do it no problem but it reassured us that yes, we were having trouble for a reason but there is nothing majorly wrong. My biggest fear going into today was that she would understand why we were having a problem and it would continue to be a problem. 

After the insemination they had me lay there for a while and Pot and I sat around looking at graphics of STDs. I felt immediately like the weight that had been pushing me down for the last few weeks was lifted. After a half hour I got up, got dressed, and we left to the nurse giving us a thumbs up and telling us that she was excited to see us soon.

I feel renewed. I so hope it works this time but I am very realistic that it might not. Either way, I know everything is okay. I know that the doctor felt that our timing was good and the sample was good and there were no complications. I feel like for the first time, the odds are in our favor. 

Temping

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This month, in an effort to know I am doing everything I can, I started temping. As suspected it is making me crazy. Looking at other’s charts I am baffled by what mine means. I got a positive opk this morning (on two different types of tests- you know, just being thorough) but my temp also rose more than one degree.

I knew this would be difficult for me. I rarely sleep four hours at a time and never before temping. I take my temp at 6:30 but this morning was up at 3 to go to the bathroom. I’m always too hot or too cold, depending on if the cats are sleeping on me or if we remembered to turn the heat down before bed.

I went into this with the idea that it might be helpful and might not. Secretly, I was hoping it would provide all the answers.

Here’s hoping tomorrow goes well and we can actually inseminate with the doctor.