I have a confession to make: I don’t really like babies. I expect to like my own but I don’t get the people who ohh and ahh over every baby they see. I think, in large part, this is because babies don’t like me. I mean, why should they? They don’t know me. I have no purpose to them. I’m just someone around them talking their parents attention away and that’s annoying. I don’t feel deeply connected with them and most of the time I think we both end up spending our time together wishing we were someplace else.
I don’t have babies I know well. We have friends with kids but they either live far away or started hanging out with us less when their kid came along. We have nieces and nephews but we see them maybe once every two years and I am pretty sure all the know about us is that we are the weird people who send them homemade gifts. I video chatted with them this weekend while they were all together for Christmas. The oldest is 5, the youngest 18 months. It was clear that none of them had any idea who I was.
I’ve seen a lot of folks talk about not wanting to be around other people’s babies while trying to get pregnant because it is too hard for them. I don’t feel like it is hard from the sense that it pulls on my heart strings but for me I just feel like it pushes me into believing that my child and I will have the same relationship I have with all other small children: I talk to it like it is a puppy, it gets really freaked out and cries.
I am eager for Pot and I to have a child even if I am not too keen on other people’s kids. I used to think that because I wanted to be a parent I had to get super jazzed about everyone’s baby – I have now given up that belief. I think it is perfectly fine to be standoffish around other people’s little ones and still hope that I will really like my own.