Monthly Archives: December 2013

Splurge

I’ve been putting off buying clothes while ttc but really need some new nice work clothes. I just took some Christmas money and splurged on a bunch of stuff- and our local REI has their garage sale this weekend where I hope to find a few more things.

A spending spree on clothes that won’t fit me once I get pregnant must mean that I’ll end up pregnant in January, right?

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Moments

It’s strange to live in a body – in a mind – devoid of hope. I wish I felt it. I wish I could hold onto the belief that there will be a positive outcome.

These last few months have become increasingly difficult. I feel so discouraged and am having a harder time relating to others. Those in the Ttc world are difficult. They tell you to hold onto hope and it will happen. But what if it doesn’t? Let’s just get real here and admit that it might not. When those with babies in their arms or wombs try to be reassuring it’s especially hard. I used to feel so happy to have outlets where there was support from others in this journey. Now, as more and more cross over from trying to pregnant, I feel reclusive and angry.

The non Ttc community is equally as hard. At least with those who have tried I can remind myself that they knew the heartbreak I feel. I can be honest and say i never knew this would hit me so hard and i never understood how people trying felt. Maybe it’s the holidays and being far from our families or maybe it’s knowing that I have a dear friend in turmoil back home I’m not there for or maybe it’s the constant disappointment of Ttc – whatever it is it is making it hard for me to relate to folks and hard to be around other people.

I read blogs and forum posts like this when we first starting trying and swore I wouldn’t become one of these people. “It won’t take me that long,” I told myself. “I feel so bad for her.” A few months ago a blogger wrote (I’m too lazy to look it up.) this heartfelt post about how to announce her pregnancy on Facebook when she knows how hard it is for other people. I thought she was nice to be considerate but now, as I weekly see new announcements from friends, family, clients, I am overwhelmed by her compassion. Seeing the announcements is a new heartbreak every time.

A good friend is Ttc #2. Because of health issues her doctor told her three more tries and then they should stop trying. I think that must be a relief. Heartbreaking, yes, but also a relief. At least they know when it will be over. We have no plans to stop trying and know what our next intervention steps and timelines look like but it feels like we’re just going through the expensive motions and I wish we knew when to walk away. Maybe when it’s time we will know.

But for now, I look for hope and I find moments where that light shines through all the dark surrounding me. The other night I woke up to go to the bathroom. When I climbed back in bed Pot, asleep, put her arm around me and pulled me close. She does this often in her sleep – she is my constant protector. I laid there and imagined my stomach moving and uncomfortable – full of a new life. I imagined Pot putting her arm around me, holding us both close. I know she will be the constant protector of us both. I know she will be an amazing parent – much better than me. I think of her, of us, of our not yet complete family. I think of how bad I want this for both of us. I close my eyes and fall back asleep and in that moment I know there is some hope. I know she still shines, even if tattered and tired.

Other’s babies

I have a confession to make: I don’t really like babies. I expect to like my own but I don’t get the people who ohh and ahh over every baby they see. I think, in large part, this is because babies don’t like me. I mean, why should they? They don’t know me. I have no purpose to them. I’m just someone around them talking their parents attention away and that’s annoying. I don’t feel deeply connected with them and most of the time I think we both end up spending our time together wishing we were someplace else.
 
I don’t have babies I know well. We have friends with kids but they either live far away or started hanging out with us less when their kid came along. We have nieces and nephews but we see them maybe once every two years and I am pretty sure all the know about us is that we are the weird people who send them homemade gifts. I video chatted with them this weekend while they were all together for Christmas. The oldest is 5, the youngest 18 months. It was clear that none of them had any idea who I was.
 
I’ve seen a lot of folks talk about not wanting to be around other people’s babies while trying to get pregnant because it is too hard for them. I don’t feel like it is hard from the sense that it pulls on my heart strings but for me I just feel like it pushes me into believing that my child and I will have the same relationship I have with all other small children: I talk to it like it is a puppy, it gets really freaked out and cries.
 
I am eager for Pot and I to have a child even if I am not too keen on other people’s kids. I used to think that because I wanted to be a parent I had to get super jazzed about everyone’s baby – I have now given up that belief. I think it is perfectly fine to be standoffish around other people’s little ones and still hope that I will really like my own.

Upswing

Things are slowing getting a bit better. I am currently 8 days past insemination which would mean something if I thought there was any way I was going to be pregnant at the end of this two week wait. I know there i no hope for this cycle but I am doing a good job of looking forward. I talked with our nurse this week and she gave me the doctor’s holiday schedule and pager number so I feel much more confident about our doctor insemination next month. We had talked about skipping this next cycle but I don’t think we will at this point. I am glad we keep moving. Financially, we wouldn’t mind the break but I am eager for a doctor insemination. Our at home inseminations are going so poorly I need to have the reassurance from the doctor that nothing is wrong and we are just bad at this.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks and I am glad to be on the upswing of things. There is still a lot of stress lingering but today we tackle trying to fix our washing machine with our friends and if that happens we can cancel that service call and afford to call someone to fix the oven. The joys of homeownership are showing their true colors lately. I know next month is going to better – financially, insemination wise, stress wise. I’m excited to move into 2014 feeling renewed.

Brink

I feel like I am really starting to lose my mind. I feel overwhelmed by pretty much everything and a little lost about where to go from here.

I finally got ahold of my doctor’s nurse on Tuesday (they were still closed Monday). She was less than nice and not very sympathetic. She told me she did not know the doctor’s schedule over New Years but would check and get back to me. She called at 5:15 today but I missed the call so I will try her tomorrow and see what she has to say. We are planning on skipping the next cycle but if we can have a good plan in place we may still go ahead with it. I feel good that we are okay either way.

We are also talking about the possibility of going to the Reproductive Endocrinologist in town. We have considered this but he is pretty expensive and our insurance covers none of it. We could make it work but not for an extremely long time. At this point, we will schedule the consult and see what happens between now and then. The problem is that I would like to wait for our new insurance to kick in just in case there are any differences (I have been assured there are not) and that doesn’t happen until February. I guess for now we take it one cycle at a time and see what can happen with our current doctor between now and then.

While the uncertainty of what to do next concerning pregnancy is looming over me I lost my mind a bit today when talking to our HR person about our new insurance at work. We are switching plans and in order to get decent coverage for Pot we need to get legally married. We figured it all out and are driving to Washington on the 20th to get married. This has been a little difficult to figure out at the last minute and pay all the stupid fees. Then today my HR person tells me that it doesn’t make a difference whether or not we are married. I know that is not true. I’ve talked to the insurance people and my union reps to confirm this. I just wish she could give me good answers. I think we need to find a tax person to talk to about this but that seems overwhelming right now.

Oh, and our washing machine isn’t working and we are throwing a party Saturday. That’s my life. I’m going to go take a bath.

What I want to say to the doctor

I keep going over what I will say to the doctor when I call on Monday. Currently, in my head, it sounds something like this:

“I need to very clear instructions about what we need to do to have an iui done by you. We decided to use a doctor after three months of trying at home. We scheduled the consult before month four but the clinic scheduled us with the wrong doctor so we were on our own month four. We met with you before month five insemination and while I knew you would be out of town that weekend I did as instructed and called when I got the positive Opk to see if another doctor could do it. I called at 9 am and your nurse called me back after 4pm and told me it was too late in the day for her to talk to the other doctor. Then came this month and the office being closed due to a freak snow storm. I called 56 times. My next ovulation will take place around New Years so I need to know now if that is possible or not. If it is not, I’d rather you be straight up with me now. If it will work I need to know exactly what I need to do now. What numbers to call if I may ovulate over the weekend. You told me to call Friday and twice now proven that’s not a valid option. That no longer works as a plan for me. If it isn’t going to work then we know and won’t order sperm because having to decide whether or not to send the sperm back and pay a fee or try and home and know it is extremely unlikely it is going to work is extremely hard and knowing we’re doing something wrong at home and feeling like we have no other option is taking a huge toll on both of our mental health. I know you all don’t really care but this is my life and I care a lot. If you can’t help us with the next cycle then we’ll look into the specialist we can’t afford. I was so excited when we first met and I felt like you were the right fit for us but the more time goes on I feel like no one at your clinic really cares about our family.”

I’ve got two days to calm that down a bit.

Disappointment.

We decided after three months of trying on our own at home to go to a doctor. Our hope was to inseminate with the doctor for month four but the clinic scheduled us with the wrong doctor. We had to make a new appointment, met with the doctor, and hoped to inseminate with her for month five. She was out of town when I ovulated and the clinic couldn’t make it work with another doctor (they have three doctors who inseminate – ours and another were out of town, the third was in surgery the day I needed to schedule). I got a positive on the ovulation kit today so called the office – they are closed. They are not supposed to be closed but it snowed last night and is still snowing. In the PNW, that means things are closed. I have called 32 times and gotten the recording or a busy signal each time. They are not open on the weekends so if I don’t talk to them today I can’t schedule an insemination this weekend. 

I’m so upset. We’re trying to figure out if we send the sperm back and pay for storage and skip this month or if we go ahead and do it on our own. We have not been successful yet doing it on our own so another one seems like a waste but we also don’t want to skip a month. Our next ovulation is over new years so we already expect problems with the office then. I guess we have today to make the decision and I’ll keep calling but things seem pretty hopeless. If they haven’t answered the last 36 times chances are it isn’t going to happen.