Trying to get pregnant is not bringing out the best in me. After 5 failed attempts I feel like I am fighting major demons that normally lie dormant.
I find myself judging others who get pregnant. Most are not worthy of it for one reason or another. It may be that I don’t think their relationship is solid, or they do not have enough stability, or they are too young. Whatever the reason, I deem them unfit to carry a child. In reality, I work in a field where I see people get pregnant under horrible circumstances regularly. I know that as I see people get pregnant now, whether that is in real life or on a forum or blog, chances are it is something they wanted as badly as I do. That alone should point to the fact that they’ll be okay and should make me excited for them but it doesn’t. Instead I just think about how it should be me.
One of my best friends, L, told me today that a mutual friend is pregnant. She has been trying for a long time. She has wanted a baby as long as I have known her (which is close to ten years). I think it’s great but can’t feel excited for her. I am fearful that one of my two close friends who are trying will get pregnant and I won’t feel excited for them. I don’t know that what I feel is jealousy but instead superiority. It’s not a flattering side of me.
Another struggle I have is with myself. I am not now, and never have been, a petite person. I have taken to blaming myself for not being pregnant. My weight, my lack of exercise, my eating habits. In reality, I know that none of these things are that bad. My weight isn’t terrible, I could be a bit more active, and overall I eat well. But when my period shows up I start to question everything in my life. Unfortunately, that just puts me into a deeper hole of self-doubt. It’s really unfair that women find out they are not pregnant when their period comes. It makes me an emotional mess. I take pride in the way I think about my body. While I am not small size I am happy with myself and “imperfections” that I have. This is becoming harder to maintain as the pregnancy tests keep coming back negative.
I’m having a hard time relating to other people. The only people I feel comfortable talking to is other people who are trying because I know they feel a lot of these things too. I know they feel the jealousy and the self-doubt and depression. A lot of people know we are trying but I don’t want to talk about it anymore while on the other hand it is all I want to talk about. I feel like people can’t relate and they really have no idea how hard this process is. I had no idea how hard this process is. L recently told me that trying to get pregnant was worse than child birth. I don’t know for sure but can believe that is true.
Things might be worse now because of the holidays. I have a lot of traditions I want to incorporate into our life with child and it seems less likely that in 2014 we’ll have a baby in our arms over the holidays. I feel a huge divide between me and my family. My mom doesn’t know that we are trying to get pregnant and I feel awkward keeping this secret when she asks how things are going. I didn’t come out as a lesbian until my first three year relationship ended. I felt the strains on relationships in my life during that period and this is starting to feel similar. At first it wasn’t an issue but as trying to conceive because an indefinite process I feel more uncomfortable keeping it from people while at the same time more confidant that I don’t want more people to know.
I know these are things that others trying to conceive are feeling and I know I am not alone in my fight of my demons. I maintain some hope that the end result will be good and am a big believer that things happen for a reason and when it is our time it will be the right time. Logically, I know I things are fine and people have tried longer than this and that it will come. But today, in my current head space, it seems that the only light at the end of the tunnel is a train.