When I was in my mid twenties I thought everyone was getting pregnant. I knew a few people who were and the number of people I met with kids was growing daily. Now that we are trying to get pregnant I see I was wrong. It was not then but now that everyone around me is having babies.
A high school friend announced on facebook yesterday that she and her husband are expecting. Am I excited for her? Sure. Did I throw my phone across the room upon seeing the announcement? Maybe. These announcements come in pretty regularly these days. If not people I know on facebook than the woman at the grocery store, the woman at the table next to us at our favorite breakfast place, the couple walking down the street. It seems that when you are trying to get pregnant all you can see is people who are much better at it than you are.
I want to stop this women, contact distant friends, and ask: How did you do it!? For most, I know the answer. I want to ask them how long they tried and how soon they could tell and all sorts of other questions that I would prefer people not ask me. They are just standing there, full of fetus, reeking of success. I feel like they hold the key that unlocks my pregnancy. They know whatever secret I don’t know that made them successful and me not. If I could just figure out what that is we’d get it right.
We’ve tried three times. I know this is not a lot. I know I shouldn’t even consider being concerned until six consecutive attempts. But I am riddled with fear. What if it never happens? What if I never unlock the secret?
The fear brings other questions: When do we give up? What if we aren’t meant to be parents? There are questions about the changes in our life by becoming parents. We’re so happy now, we have a good flow. Are we ready to give up lazy sunday’s reading on the couch? Are you ready to lose sleep and free time? Will we be good at this? Will we work well together?
I wonder if those questions are the key to the secret. I think that is what I want to ask people – Now that you are pregnant are you really sure or still pretty terrified? Maybe they are so sure and comfortable. Maybe they never had these concerns in the first place. Maybe the universe is punishing me because I mourn the loss of our current life while they looked forward and embraced what lies ahead.
Maybe none of these are the right questions. Maybe the secret can’t be unlocked. Heck, maybe there is no secret. Maybe for everyone this process is filled with uncertainty but maybe that comes at different times. Our attempts are surrounded by it and it is inescapable now. Maybe there is no key and there is no secret but instead a point in time where you know that no matter what things will be okay. I guess that is what I long to know. I hope that reassurance will come with pregnancy and I want to know if other women found it. And I want to know: if we don’t have a baby will things be okay?