Monthly Archives: October 2013

Not pregnant.

A little hopeless. A lot of self pity. Sitting in my office pouting and listening to Rilo Kiley. And tonight, a lot of wine.



I am 30 years old. I’ve been having my period monthly for over half my life. But until I started tracking it ten months ago it was a surprise every time. It runs on a regular schedule yet I never knew it was coming. Now that I’ve watched it for ten months I know that I should expect it 26 days after the last one started. I’m prepared and no longer is it’s arrival surprising.

So imagine my surprise when here I sit on day 28 with no hint of a period. For someone trying to get pregnant this is fantastic if it’s accompanied by a positive pregnancy test – something I do not have. Instead I am left to wonder what is going on. It could be nothing. Often stress causes women to have late periods. Sure, except I run a little anxious all the time and have been through more stressful situations and have never had this issue.

The other possibility is I could be pregnant and it’s not showing up. This is my worst case scenario. Pregnancy tests detect a rise in the hormone hcg. What does it mean if I am pregnant but my hormone has not risen? That doesn’t seen good.

It’s so frustrating to have this screwed up. I am counting on my body working the way it always has and now things malfunction. It’s frustrating because I felt so positive about this round and my friend’s daughter’s magic 8 ball said I was pregnant, and here I am with no idea what to do next. I’ll take a deep breath, remind myself I see the doctor next Monday, and I’ll (impatiently) wait.

Ain’t that the way

This cycle has been nuts. It’s been sad and frustrating and at times I wondered how long we can keep doing this. But we keep pushing forward often unaware of how trying to get pregnant infiltrates so much of what we do.

I was excited to see a reproductive endocrinologist this week. We made an appointment and pushed it up so we could get in before I ovulated. We got to the appointment Tuesday and I knew something was wrong. The receptionist charged me something different than I was supposed to be charged and didn’t seem to know why we were there. The nurse called us back and we met with the doctor. She was nice and we talked about our attempts and she referred us to a doctor that performs IUI’s (inter uterine inseminations. A step further than what we’ve been doing at home that can be done at home or with a doctor). She encouraged us to call the doctor as he has a long wait list.

At that point I started crying. I explained that when I called her clinic I was given prices for iui’s leading me to believe they were an alternative to the other more expensive doctor she referred. She told me she didn’t think anyone at her practice did iui’s but she would check. Turns out two doctors do but despite my explaining our situation to the receptionist when I made the appointment we were not placed with either of those doctors.

Luckily our doctor was great. She was sweet and understanding as I sat there crying in exam room 2 and talked to the nurse for one of the other doctors who does iui’s. We go back in to meet with that doctor almost a month later: November 4th.

In the meantime we had already ordered iui sperm, prepared to go that route either at home or with the RE. It came yesterday, a day late thanks to some confusion at UPS. I may have gotten a positive on an ovulation predictor yesterday morning but Pot and I couldn’t agree on whether or not the lines were the same color. I thought we should go for it and inseminate early this time – 10 hours after the positive instead of 18 or 24. The plan was for me to rush home after work to inseminate before dinner guests arrived.

Near the end of my work day I decided I should go to a union meeting after work as we’re in contract negotiations and I had some questions. Okay, we will inseminate after dinner. Except I forgot to remind Pot. 4.5 hours, 2 bottles of wine, and a few beers later friends leave and Pot remembers. Let the fumbling begin.

The IUI process is a bit more complicated than what we have been doing and requires a bit more precision. And my lovely partner is drunk. She looks at me and preemptively apologizes for any mistakes. I laugh and tell her that this is how babies are made: clumsily after sharing a few bottles of wine with friends.

Will this be the time it works? I have no idea. But after a disappointing doctors trip it was just what we needed – for things to be our version of normal and filled with laughter. Today I have an Ani Difranco lyric running through my head – I love you. And you love me. And ain’t that the way it’s supposed to be.

Fingers crossed that this time is it and this process really is that simple.


When I was in my mid twenties I thought everyone was getting pregnant. I knew a few people who were and the number of people I met with kids was growing daily. Now that we are trying to get pregnant I see I was wrong. It was not then but now that everyone around me is having babies.

A high school friend announced on facebook yesterday that she and her husband are expecting. Am I excited for her? Sure. Did I throw my phone across the room upon seeing the announcement? Maybe. These announcements come in pretty regularly these days. If not people I know on facebook than the woman at the grocery store, the woman at the table next to us at our favorite breakfast place, the couple walking down the street. It seems that when you are trying to get pregnant all you can see is people who are much better at it than you are.

I want to stop this women, contact distant friends, and ask: How did you do it!? For most, I know the answer. I want to ask them how long they tried and how soon they could tell and all sorts of other questions that I would prefer people not ask me. They are just standing there, full of fetus, reeking of success. I feel like they hold the key that unlocks my pregnancy. They know whatever secret I don’t know that made them successful and me not. If I could just figure out what that is we’d get it right.

We’ve tried three times. I know this is not a lot. I know I shouldn’t even consider being concerned until six consecutive attempts. But I am riddled with fear. What if it never happens? What if I never unlock the secret?

The fear brings other questions: When do we give up? What if we aren’t meant to be parents? There are questions about the changes in our life by becoming parents. We’re so happy now, we have a good flow. Are we ready to give up lazy sunday’s reading on the couch? Are you ready to lose sleep and free time? Will we be good at this? Will we work well together?

I wonder if those questions are the key to the secret. I think that is what I want to ask people – Now that you are pregnant are you really sure or still pretty terrified? Maybe they are so sure and comfortable. Maybe they never had these concerns in the first place. Maybe the universe is punishing me because I mourn the loss of our current life while they looked forward and embraced what lies ahead.

Maybe none of these are the right questions. Maybe the secret can’t be unlocked. Heck, maybe there is no secret. Maybe for everyone this process is filled with uncertainty but maybe that comes at different times. Our attempts are surrounded by it and it is inescapable now. Maybe there is no key and there is no secret but instead a point in time where you know that no matter what things will be okay. I guess that is what I long to know. I hope that reassurance will come with pregnancy and I want to know if other women found it. And I want to know: if we don’t have a baby will things be okay?