Monthly Archives: September 2013

Optimism

As we keep trying things get easier. We inseminated for the third cycle last night and early this morning. By now we know what we are doing, we have a process, and it isn’t unusual. Our insemination this morning was at 5 am. I woke Lesley up, we inseminated, and within ten minutes of her waking we were back to sleep.

There is a huge benefit to having it be easier. At this point it is just something we do and I do not feel as much stress, pressure, or hope. That doesn’t mean I am not hopeful (I am) but that I can focus on other things and not feel so consumed by the idea of pregnancy. The wait seems shorter and more manageable.

I feel good about this attempt. I feel like our timing was good and we are using a new donor that has past reported pregnancies. One of my good friends inseminated yesterday and today too and it would be exciting for us to be pregnant together (our partners may disagree). My due date would be Pot’s 30th birthday – that’s got to be some extra good luck, right?

I feel most optimistic today because we are working on a long term plan. I’ve talked here before about the outrageous cost of having a consultation with a doctor. A friend of mine recently met a couple who got pregnant with the help of another clinic and I called that clinic today. Their cost for a consult is $230 (instead of $568) so we booked it. We’ll go in October 11th if we do not get pregnant this cycle. Hopefully we won’t need that but knowing that we are getting ready for the next step and getting outside help feels good. While it is still a ways away I am able to maintain hope that I will have a positive pregnancy tests before 2013 is over.

Beliefs

One thing that concerns me about getting pregnant is balancing my beliefs with my excitement. I am extremely pro choice. Because of this I believe that life begins at birth. Before birth there are stages of gestation: it is a zygote, an embryo, a fetus. When it is born it is a baby.

We have already talked to some close friends about how we will publicly (when people know about the pregnancy) refer to it as a fetus. If I want to comment on facebook about how it is moving around or making me uncomfortable i will talk about the fetus. We joked that if they wanted to throw us a shower the theme could be parasites as that closer matches our terminology at that point than baby. 

I feel it is important to have this distinction yet know that realistically, we will refer to it to each other as the baby. Our excitement level will be high – we want this and as soon as it becomes real it will be so real to us. It’s hard to think about a fetus as a nonliving thing when you so badly want it to grow into your baby.

I was speaking with an acquaintance the other day who mentioned finding out her sister is pregnant. She said she thinks her sister may actually keep the baby and she is so surprised as this was unplanned. While in theory I 100% support this position it was hard to hear as someone trying to get pregnant that someone could accidentally pregnant and decide to terminate that pregnancy. I don’t know whether or not pregnancy will change my belief system. I am confident I will remain strongly prochoice but worry I will struggle to separate my emotions from the facts I believe. 

There was a period of time at the end of last week where I got very confident that I was pregnant. I am not. During that time Pot and I were standing in a parking lot, a small quiet moment together in the middle of a vacation with friends, when she put her hands on my stomach and said, “Stay in there. Stay and grow.” She has the same beliefs about choice and life that I do and I was reminded in this moment that we are in this – this journey, this struggle – together.

Looking ahead

Currently I am 9 days past our insemination. I won’t know whether or not it worked for a few days still – I am hoping by Thursday I start my period and can move on.

This try has been pessimistic from the start and I would be shocked if I am pregnant. I do not think I am and am prepared to try again. I am hoping that next time I can stay positive about it because while I would laugh at it if anyone said this to me I can’t help but think maybe my negative energy has something to do with it.

I have had a cold for a few days. I was sick over the holiday weekend and am maintaining a good cough today. I won’t take anything – no vitamins, no medicine, no herbs – in case I am pregnant. At this point I just hope that my period starts and I can take some Nyquil. We also leave for a vacation on Friday morning to go to Napa with friends for my birthday. My sister lives in Napa and even if I am pregnant I will not be ready to tell my family yet so another reason why timing would not be ideal.

That being said, I would LOVE to be pregnant and stop spending money and start prepapring for the little thing to enter our world. We would both be beyond excited – we’re just not hopeful.

I wonder what next try will be like. I have had one cycle where I was extrememly optimistic and one where I had no faith in things working out. Will next try switch back to optimistic or is pessimism where I will stay? Either way, I am looking ahead – preparing for what is next. We are deciding to switch donors next try. Common belief is that you should switch every three months so we thought why not at two. Also, if we order before the 8th sperm is on sale. Yup. SPERM IS ON SALE. I never imagined that would be a true statement but it is great news for us as we will save $100 and with a vacation this month that is a welcome savings.

I am thinking about what our timing will be like when we are pregnant from the next try. We’ll have just found out we are pregnant when Pot’s mom comes for a visit and can tell her in person. The baby will be born right around Pot’s birthday. If it doesn’t happen next time and happens in October then we can incoporate the news into holiday gifts for our parents. These small thoughts and preparations are helpful – believing that it will happen soon is good and needed. It may not be this cycle and it may not be next but some day, hopefully some day soon, we’ll put trying to conceive behind us and happily move forward with our lives.