We picked our top three donors yesterday. We had sat down with friends a week ago and looked at them all and choose 12 which we then whittled down to three. This was a very easy process for us and explaining that has already become complicated.
Ultimately it ones down to this: We don’t care. This to us is a necessary evil. We looked over basic information and picked based on a few factors: 1) We only wanted an anonymous donor. You can choose to have open contact meaning you (or your child at 18) can contact them. We don’t want that. This man is not a parent to our child and our child does not need to have any contact with them. 2) We picked someone who was CMV negative. This has something to do with a strand of herpes. Honestly, I don’t quite get it and am not too concerned but because we don’t know if I am a carrier we decided to continue living our lives herpes free. 3) We picked based on good family health history. All of our top three choices met these qualifications but the top choice didn’t wear glasses. I’ve worn glasses since I was four so we thought we’d give our child a chance at good eyesight.
And that’s it. There is other information and at some point I should print it and file it but it honestly didn’t matter to us. Yes, that DNA will be a part of our child but that man will never be a part of our lives. Our friends think we have strange issues about biological parent vs. non biological because of how nonchalant we are about this but I don’t think that’s true – I don’t think it is a bad thing to agonize over this more or to want to feel a connection but it’s just not something we need.
Talking about the donor is one of my biggest concerns. I worry it will be something people ask about and those will be questions I don’t care to answer. This child will be mine and Pot’s and that is what matters. We have friends who conceived with a donor and get asked about him a lot. They tell people this man gave them an incredible gift. I can’t help but feel that romanticizes a man jerking off for money. Am I grateful we can do this? Yes. But when asked questions about the donor I am more likely to redirect those questions to my family. And when my child asks about the where they came from I’ll be prepared with age appropriate answers that will likely start with, “Your mom and I love each other very much…”